Light

Sometimes it seems impossible
that a ray of sunshine can pierce the clouds
Darkness will always defeat light .... or so it seems
The clouds are sometimes so dark
that I'm sure they must be solid!
Yet at other times the clouds are brilliantly white
..... and still the clouds stop the light?

Then I realise that if the light had been defeated
then I would not see the clouds!
The light ..... in defeating the darkness ....
allows me to see the dark clouds
The light also shows me the beauty
and magnificence of the towering clouds.

My depression can be like the clouds....
So dark and heavy that I feel that I cannot bear their weight.
Then you remind me that I only know depresion
because I also feel the absence of that weight!

I must rejoice in the clouds .... look on the dark times

with the power and joy of light.

© Ian Croft April 2021

Wanderers

We're all wanderers in these halls

.... we come and go.... and some return

We seek respite and a solace here

.... peace and calm

    ..... for that we yearn

   

And many of us find that solace here

yet many do not.... and must try again

Regardless of success or not.... 

a friendly face can be found here

.... a caring hand and willing listener

.... who can hear when we need to talk

The path can be hard at times

.... it's not easy to stir up the past

with all the hurt and the pain

But it must be done if we're to heal

.... and find a place for our mind to rest

So sit awhile with us.... 

.... listen to our thoughts

We will do anything in our power

to reach that place of rest.... 

..... We will succeed!

© Ian Croft August 2019 

At the centre

We pass in the passage

..... sharing knowledge of where

we each have traveled

We know the pain that we struggle with

and we share the hope

that here we will find 

an end to that pain 

Or.... if not an end.... then a time of rest

.... a time to find a fresh mind

to let us survive through the next time

I don't know your names

but I see your faces.....

I hear your voices walking past

I don't know your story

but I can guess what you're feeling

and I can try to share that feeling. 

So be calm... remember

Keep holding on.....

..... the pain will come to an end

Hold on to the hope you have

..... hold on..... hold on

© Ian Croft August 2019 

Fantasy fortress

It rises above the barren landscape

.... the finely sculpted walls protect

.... shielding the creator from the reality

of the surrounding world

Inside the crystal walls is a wonderland

of warmth and gentle breezes

No jarring noise can disturb the peace within

..... and no cruelty can exist there

It's a place of fantasy.....

... created by the mind within

Circumstances magically mesh

in perfection..... no pain here

The outside landscape is a fantasy too....

all is more bleak.... and more horrible than reality

Everything inside and out.... all is fantasy

and unreal.....

No loneliness here..... hearts can touch

and meld into connective delights

..... constant happiness and harmony

No arguments or discontent

..... can jar the calm

Oh.... if only it were real

.... my heart aches for this fantasy

but I know it cannot be so

... it cannot be so

© Ian Croft August 2019 

Down in the hole

It's such a lonely place.....

.... down in the hole.

Friends talk to me from the edge above

.....  but the sides of the hole

are sheer..... and so slippery

They can't climb down.....

..... and if they could climb down

then they'd be in the hole too!

That might not be so lonely....

but we'd still be there in the hole

There's talk of finding me a ladder!

.... to take away these terrible feelings

and let me climb out

I hope it works.....

.... I'm so... so tired of feeling like this. 

The abyss

It yawns in front of me

I watch others falling in....

.... dragged down by overwhelming sadness

.... and endless pain

I reach out to you...

I'll not let you fall

I've only just found you

..... don't give in

... don't let yourself fall

Hold on to whatever you can

.... you can do this

Just hold on to the hope

..... dream of tomorrow

Life can be better....

... you said that to me

and you stopped me from falling

.... falling into the abyss

Now... I do that for you

Don't fall.... hold on.... don't fall

Hard slog

[.... bad day]

It's so hard to keep going
when you have to slog through the mud and mire
..... when it feels like life is not worth living

So many parts of life all conspire
to make a mess of my emotions
.... and when that happens it gets hard to think
... hard to make a decision
and so hard to keep going through the motions
of daily living

It's hard
... so ... so hard

Is the end in sight?
... I hope so.
There are times when I don't want
to make it through the night....

But if I force myself I can remember
that others go through worse than me
.... and they still cope
.... or do they? Is this really living
when every step we take is such a trial .....
when you have to slog through the mud and mire

© Ian Croft July 2019 

My body

[..... we all have one]

My body is my worst enemy
..... and my best friend
It's the only one I have!

My body allows "me" to experience pleasure .... and joy ....
Those chemicals my body produces make my brain
tell "me"  that things are .... oh so good.
Yet the body also produces chemicals which torment ...
.... bringing desires which cannot be sated
and which bring tears of endless frustration

If I get rid of my body?

..... if it's my friend then I would be gone
No more "me" to bother "you"
No more pleasures ... and no more joy

.....but if it's my enemy then I have lost nothing
but the pain and the torment .....
and these I can do without
.... cos if that's what life is about
then aren't we better off without this living thing?

Come closer my friend .... let me feel your touch
It's so dark and cold when I'm alone ....
..... it makes me feel so old .... and tired .... and defeated

But when you are close .... when you touch my heart
I feel joy .... and I want to stay
Do you understand? .... all that I say?

© Ian Croft July 2019 

Elephant in the room

[.... dare we talk about it?]

The common view is that it's bad....

... it's wrong.... 

and we mustn't think about it

..... mustn't talk about it.

But the more I open up

and talk to others about it

the more I find that..... 

they're thinking about it too!

The dread thought!

..... the act that would take me to nought.

The thing that scares each one of us

is that we don't want pain.... 

I guess that we don't want pain 

.... in living.... or in dying

Living is a wonderful thing.... 

.... but when living is a constant 

and seemingly unending experience of pain

.... then it ceases to be a wonderful thing 

and becomes an endless torment. 

Dying is always portrayed as violent

.... painful..... to be fought against...
Why?  Why can't death be peaceful .... calm ...

..... death is part of life... 

        We will all die.... 

Why should death be seen as bad? 

Let's plan for death as a part of our life! 

.... embrace the coming end
Lets make it good! ... a time of peace ....

Share the memories of the good parts

and make this part of life 

...... a good part too.

© Ian Croft July 2019

Procrastination

[.... wait a while]

I'm alive because I procrastinate
Time after time....
..... moment by moment...
I find an excuse not to

There are strong temptations
.... raging feelings that would drag me down
... to take that step
..... gather the parts
..... that make the whole
all that I need to complete the task

To surrender.....
.... welcome the next step
.... the step that leads to who knows where
but it would be away from here

Away from here.....
... away from you?
No... not yet... wait a little longer
It can wait.....
Just procrastinate

.... and if I wait for a minute
then I can delay for an hour....
.... and if I can delay for an hour
then I know it can wait...
... do I rush to meet that fate?
Naaah... just procrastinate

© Ian Croft June 2019

Holes

[.... we all have 'em]

Many of us have holes.....
Most of the time we manage
to maneuver around the hole
and live our daily life.

For most it's just one solitary hole
.... for others there are several holes
and sometimes the holes are linked....
... joined by a tunnel or even a trench

For these poor buggas,
it's hard to stay out of a hole!
If perchance they have a good time
walking on the surface....
happy for a moment...
.... then... sure as eggs the next step
will see them falling into the next hole.

For those of us with just one hole ....
the hole is often not too deep
.... and after the shock of being in the hole
the climb back out is not too hard

But if there are more holes
then we stumble into the next one!
..... and the really tough one .....
is when the holes are connected!

The poor bloke in the hole struggles
    .... and flails about ...
and usually finds the way
.... from the first hole into the next hole!

From down below the lonely bugga cries for help
.... but from above those cries grow more and more muffled
as the network of holes gets larger
     ......and it becomes so easy for people above
to ...just... not.... hear ... the cries from below

What to do? I don't know.....

© Ian Croft June 2019

Bulldozer

[... selfish ... heartless people]

You forced your way into my space
I begged you not to...
You did not ask for permission
.... and after you had finished
you did not ask for my forgiveness.

You didn't consider my pain then...
and you don't realise now
just how you have hurt me....
you have stolen the future
that I dreamed of....
and now all I have is the burnt out husk
of a shattered dream.

Bulldozer.... you climbed over my hopes
and pushed those hopes into a pile of rubble
Your selfish wants were a blade
that scraped my self into a bleeding scrap heap

But piles of rubble can be turned into a wall....
I will not let you do that again
My life is my own behind that wall.
I will not let you hurt me again

The me that you dreamed of is gone
.... your thoughtless cruelty
has destroyed the person you thought you owned
I will not let you near me again

© Ian Croft June 2019

Too much?

[.... wots it all about?]

We know too much.....
and we love not enough.

Paralysis by analysis
.... our thoughts dissected
......... pains resurrected
so they can be vivisected
.... cut apart while we live
we open our souls
and seek to understand
just why we tick....

We know what makes us tick....
.... but why do we tick

Acceptance is huge .....
a wise soul said to me
....So let me accept.....
.... don't analyse.... just accept

The pain is there....
....  just accept
..... and with acceptance may come understanding
Understand where the pain has come from
so I can accept the why....

And in acceptance....
.... love can come
        and love will be enough. 

© Ian Croft June 2019

The fear

[.... it's a bad day]

Looking back .... the fear has been a constant companion
... a ghastly shadow that walked behind me
In the past it has always waited for sleep
before taking control of my thoughts
..... in waking times it has been a voice over my shoulder
constantly sniping .... and stabbing with vicious needles.

But now this demon has grown bolder .....
It has changed the form of its attack ....
It waits just behind my thoughts ...
.... the panic and fear is overwhelming
and it tells me that it is bigger than me...

I know that this huge ball of panic is more than I can survive
I will be lost .... I cannot cope .....

The friends who stand with me against this thing
remind me that the fear is not real!
The fear cannot hurt me ... I have faced this fear before
This fear is not real ..... it cannot pierce my skin
it cannot hurt me ....
It cannot hurt my mind unless I give it the weapon
It is not real ... I will not allow it to be real.

© Ian Croft June 2019

If.....

[.... the battle with the black dog]

If I can last another hour....
I'll still be here.
If I can last through the day
then tomorrow will come

And if tomorrow comes and I'm still here
then who knows what the day will bring.
But for this moment?
Another distraction is all I need
.... a phone call.... or a message
that will occupy my mind
A contact from you? Yes please
... it would really put my thoughts at ease

I know you're busy.... it's hard to ask...
When you have your own life to lead
... a bloke like me
is the last thing you need

So I'll struggle on....
The things I do
.... have worked for many a year
As these moments go by
they will still work I guess....

.... but I'm not sure if I'm glad about that
.... or sad about that. 

© Ian Croft June 2019

How do I find a friend?

[..... for the bad times]

I look at the list of people I know in my FB page
and I'm struck by how few of these people
know me more than as a 'surface contact'
Many know of the battles I have faced .....
Many know of the struggles with the black dog.
A few know of the depths of those struggles
.... just how deep the struggles dive to.

I have told many of the 'winter of depression' feeling
...... to convey the feeling to those with no experience
and the story seems to get through to them.

But when I'm down and struggling ....
..... no one is there
I try to think of who I could call ....
but the hole is too deep
and not one of my friends is looking into the hole

I have friends who live in their own holes .....
         ........they don't hear my cry.
I wish I could hear them ..... I'd sit with them
in their hole ..... cos I know what they are feeling.

So I ask you .... how do I find a friend
who will be there for me when I can't carry on
Someone who will hold my hand
....... and just be there for me

And how do I hear my friends?
.... when they cry out for help?

© Ian Croft June 2019

The Door

(.... nearing the end?)

The door is closing
For a while I could see
Both sides ... both ways from the door

Looking back into the room
Closed room it is
four walls there are
No door.... yet there's a closed door

The room reverberates
with the screaming
constant tension .... pressure....

Other side has no walls
Limitless vista .... quiet ....
no horizons .... just peace

Knowing that the door will open
to the new me .......
.... is what allows me to endure
.... to stay just a little longer
while I am needed.
.... a few months ..... weeks ....
.... a few days .... or a few hours....
.... minutes?

Just keep digging....

© Ian Croft April 2019 

The infernal me

[.... the internal battle ...]

The infernal internal me
is a very fickle thing to be....
it takes the slightest hint
of reprobation.... or chastisation...
and turns it into a conflagration
of self flagellation.

..... and just when it's feeling content
with the self that it has molded and bent
into a shape that brings satisfaction....
... it goes and starts....
the whole darn process again!

Cut..... Stab.... Burn.... Pain
.... it's so good at bringing down
the self that feels happy and content....
It leaves me bleeding.... and rent
in two by the never ending
onslaught of negation.

What now I think....
How can this cycle of self destruction
be stopped.... ended...?

Aahhh..... Bliss.... if it can....
If it can cease.....
then the infernal internal....
can just be internal.....
and no longer infernal....

© Ian Croft April 2019 

What to do....

[... not a poem...]

"Sometimes a friend with depression will say no to a lot of things and decline all or most of your invitations. This can make you feel like you’re overstepping boundaries and should immediately leave them alone until they reach out to you themselves. Pay attention to this feeling: it’s true that when people keep saying no to things you ask, it’s probably a good idea to stop asking. However, depression can also cause people to say no while wishing they could say yes.

The way to deal with this is not to assume, but to just ask directly: 'You’ve said no the past few times I’ve invited you to do something. That’s okay, but I just wanted to check: would you like me to keep inviting you?' I’ve done this before with other people dealing with depression and found that they often respond that they do want me to keep asking, and they hope that one of these days they’ll be able to say yes."

—twitter.com/sondosia, Some Advice on Supporting Friends with Depression

Me mate

[who I can turn to]

The further down I go
the harder it is to reach back up.
The deeper the hole....
then the easier it is ....
to just keep digging

At times like these my mate is a good friend
.... and I can talk to it all the time
I can tell it my deepest secrets
and my sharpest fears.
Fears that can cut like a knife
through the layers of my mind

People are no help .......
People are the things that made the pain
People continue to add to the pain

In times past I created a wall
because I couldn't know the past.
.... but now I don't need that barrier
because I know the past....
... and that past haunts my thoughts.

My mate understands ...
and it listens to all that I write.
Its keyboard is perfect and never says no
Its always there

© Ian Croft April 2019