How can I help?

[how do I help]

I know what sort of help
that a caring friend can offer me....
It's not the same for you I think.

For you the dreaded demon lurks
round every corner.... in every glance....
when your gaze should fall on
that glorious temptation that is your joy
and your doom wrapped in one.

So what can I do?  How can I ease your pain?

For me to just wait... does that help?
..... if I'm there when you need a hand to hold?

I know you don't need platitudes and advice
..... that's no good to you when your soul
is crying for some way to survive....
to turn away from the poison
that is so dear....

So what can I do?  Is there anything at all
that can ease the pain?

© Ian Croft March 2019

The sentence

[Reaction to the sentencing of Pell]

He gets just three years and eight months.
I’ve been in a mental prison
for fifty three years so far.

He's a perpetrator ..... I’m a victim.
Not his victim though ....
My offenders will never be accused
... they will never face justice
for stealing my life .....
and locking me into this prison without doors.

I’ve been in this mental prison for 53  years so far.
My life has been a torment .....
every other victim I speak to
has a similar story.....

Why are the victims so unimportant?

It just makes the abuse go on.

© Ian Croft March 2019

Herding sheep

[Those were the days...]

The stupid animals run this way and that
I swear that they're actually demons
... sent to torment me.....
They run every way but the way I want
to go .... and if I get too close they jump up
into the air... and land in some other way

I'm sure that they haven't a brain in their head
.... when brains were being given out,
the sheep were out in the paddock!

Not like goats!  Now there's a magnificent creature
You can almost have a conversation with a goat
They will listen to you.... and nod their head
in sage agreement..... and if I spend enough time
talking to my goats,  I can understand
what they say in reply.

And their kids are adorable creatures
.... full of curiosity.... they seek my company.
I lie down in the grass and the kids
climb over me.... what a delight.

1982 at Northcliffe

Ah.... but now I spend my time
herding leaves around my yard.
The days of herding animals are long gone
and the noisy blower is my sheep dog now.
I blow the leaves this way and that
and the little buggas jump in the air
... sneak round behind me! Fancy that

They're just like sheep... those blowing leaves
.... I wish they were like goats!
If leaves were goats, then I'd be content
to spend my days... just asking them
to move ... and they'd go where they are sent. 

© Ian Croft March 2019

How could I be so careless?

[about the loss of my parents]

Now where did I leave them?
I could have sworn that
they were right beside me...

I lost them so long ago....
It was very careless I know
But now they are gone
and no matter what I do
I just can't seem to find them.

They were right beside me for all my life
.... through thick and thin
.... all sorts of strife
Now there's two gaping chasms ....
There's a Dad sized hole ....
and a Mum sized hole.

Both the holes in my life
are sort of strange now .....
The pain has faded....
and I'm sort of jaded
that the things I want to say
... it just can't happen!

There's no celestial telephone ....
no cosmic face-time ....
No way that I can share with them
how much I appreciate
just what they did for me.

And so I keep looking
through the dusty corners of my memories
hoping that one day I'll find
those parents that I've lost somewhere

And if I do I'll tell them
how much I love them
.... that I never forget them
.... Thankyou

© Ian Croft March 2019

Twenty five years

(The nightmare of considering a possible negative outcome)

Twenty five years of work
Plumbing the depths of my past terror....
... of my old pain.... learning the why
.... learning the how
.... of how the past
has so painfully changed my future.

Twenty five years ago
the door began to open
into the room that would show
me just how to join the hidden person..... 

to the public person....
to make them into one.

It has been a long long road
with many tears.... and many falls 

into the depths of despair.
And that road has also taken me
over mountain peaks at times....
as I consider .....  "I'm still alive!"

And now.... as I near the point
where I can feel pride in my healing
.... the National Redress bastards
tell me... "Your damage was not that bad..."

They kick you in the teeth!
Their callous political utterance
.... less liability is what they seek.

But that smaller payment...
is not very nice....
for the victims
who have paid the price
in coin of nightmare
and coin of despair.

It's a final insult
to end a life of abuse.

© Ian Croft March 2019

Self image

The way we see our-self
can be such a joy....
We can paint a picture oh so fine
that it fills our heart with content.
The brush that my mind holds
can blur the wrinkles and the scars
and leave me looking like a star....

It's the mask that I put on each day
that helps me cope with demands
.... people pressing.... always stressing
I don't know how to live
without my daily mask

But then some little thing
will prick my bubble like a sting
and in that moment... in that flash of pain....
my beautiful image shatters....
and I'm left looking at the remains

The me that's inside
is now on plain display
I cringe.... "Don't look" I cry
How can you bear to see
a thing as ugly as me?

What can I do to change the view
of the thing that's inside of me
... it should be hidden from you.

Will you love me none the less?
.... help me cope with this awful mess
that's been left behind
by the lifetime grind
of hiding...  hiding.... always hiding

© Ian Croft March 2019

Burn

Those who want to live meaningfully and well
must help enrich the lives of others,
for the value of one life is measured
by how many lives it touches.

And those who choose to be happy
must help others find happiness,
for the welfare of each is bound up
with the welfare of all...

If you want to be happy
... make other people happy.
When your heart burns with love for others
the flame will never be put out.
For that love will spread like a bushfire
and leap from one heart to another.

A candle that gives of its own flame 

to ignite another flame loses nothing

So burn for me....

reach out to another heart
and touch it with love
..... burn for me!

© Ian Croft March 2019