The fragile plant

(Gardening people)

Some people have green thumbs I know
Everything they touch just seems to grow
The precious seed seems to feel their touch
And it sprouts forth with eager joy
The delicate tendrils reach for the sky
.... but mine just die.... I don't know why.

Is it the soil?... too much water?
Not enough sun maybe?
So many factors... I'm sorta...
... confused.

And people are like plants in some ways
... wanting a friend I plant a seed..
and full of hope I watch and wait
... looking for those tendrils of interest
to poke through the earth that is daily life.

So many times the tiny shoot fails to show
.... and I sigh.. "One more fizzog... Oh no"
And if the seed should venture forth
then I greet it with pleasure
to encourage it north.

Then the tiny plant is watered with response
and I watch to see if the growing plant
has welcomed the water given.
If no.... it's sad and I begin again
to plant another seed
and water it with hope.

But if the tiny plant has grown
and responding interest has been shown
then I can be happy
.... the gardener is not a total failure
Perhaps this thumb is not so green
and a new people tree is on the way.

© Ian Croft February 2019

Passion

[forbidden?]

Life is a risky affair
Danger lurks at every turn
... yet the thing for which we yearn
is the passion which lights our existence.
The thing we thirst for
is a threat to our life.

Safety .... we can choose that.
Yet even as we exist in safety
we long for the adrenalin rush of passion

Addicted we will ever be
slave to our passion
... seeking that moment when we lose
our awareness of time ...
... when life's worries fade
and the only thing of which we are aware
is the thrill of touch and ecstasy

Safety .... or danger....
what will we choose?
In passion we will ever lose
our thoughts and mind...
The addiction will never allow
me to walk away ...
I am lost before I start.

© Ian Croft February 2019

The fox and the teeth

(a story)

This is a true story I heard last night.... a tale from the 1950s.  Most of the people are family so I won't use their real names! .... but the events were actual!
In those times, the guys would often camp out when they were working on distant farms... and on this occasion, Harry and Stuart were with a friend Jack.... working a long way from the home farm... so it was not possible to go home at night. 
The camp site was basically just an area in the bush in which they cleared space on the ground for their swags.  Some readers may not know what a "swag" is..... it's a piece of canvas on which you lay your bedding and then roll it up.  After tying the roll, it becomes an easily managed mobile bed!
Now when camping in the bush, the morning brings with it a minor deluge of drops of condensation from the trees above.... and without some protection, the drops will surely mean the end of your slumber because your bed will be wet. So the crew had strung rope between the trees and a larger tarpaulin was suspended over the camp area. 
The weary workers settled down to sleep but after a time Stuart noticed a shape moving in the darkness. He roused Harry with a whispered "We've got a fox!" The two slowly raised their heads and watched the dim shape moving around them.  The light from the dying fire was enough to make the fox's eyes glow like red coals in the darkness... and the men watched with fascination.  The fox was very unlikely to try and bite them.... but it was unusual for an animal this wary to approach humans so closely.  But this fella was curious!

After a short time Harry made a noise and the fox took off!  Thinking that they'd seen the last of that fella, they settled down to sleep.

Now Jack had slept through this excitement and he slumbered still. Beside his swag he had a small bag with his toothbrush and his false teeth!.....   and after the camp had settled back to sleep, the fox paid another visit.  This time it had already scouted the territory and its target now was the small bag beside Jack....  I can only imagine that the odour of false teeth was something that the fox just had to examine.

Quickly the fox snatched the bag and was off.... but in his rush he knocked over the shovel leaning on the tree next to Jack.  Poor Jack! ..... to be rudely roused by that shovel falling on his head.  He woke with a loud cry and then chaos reigned.....
The guys soon realised that the fox had the bag....  and the teeth!  The bag was OK but Jack had to have his teeth!  So the chase was on.  An unladen fox moves silently..... but a fox dragging a bag was making a lot of noise.   So the guys could follow the fox in the dark. Unfortunately the bag was open and as the fox dragged the bag, the contents were emptying one by one......  but fortunately the set of teeth was one of the first to fall out.  Jack found them.... and the guys then left the fox to it!  As long as Jack had his teeth, he could cope with the rest.

In the morning the trail of the dragging bag was plain to see and all the contents and the bag were found.   I wonder whether the fox thought it was worth the fuss!

© Ian Croft February 2019

What do you see?

[A way to help]

What do you see when your friend
says they are depressed?
Do you see the mask they wear?
... the mask they put on in the morning
that let's them get out the door?
.... the mask they hide behind
to muffle the crying pain
of each step they take?

Do you see that it is a mask?
... a protective layer of falsehood
designed to allow the friend to suffer
in solitude? ... and when they say
that they are really OK....
What do you say?

When your friend is that far down ....
there's not a lot you can do or say ....
Just ..... don't leave them.
Don't leave them alone ....
Find some reason to just be there with them

The loneliness of depression is an aching void
that echoes with the sounds of past pain and hurt
The void is a sad place where your friend must walk alone
but if he knows that you are walking beside him ....
though no words are spoken
the chains might be broken ....
Maybe not in a moment
... but slowly, gently your friend will realise that
they can rest awhile .... they can relax in knowing
that you are there.

Be there for them.

© Ian Croft February 2019

Treasure

(a thought for meditation)

Life is treasure
Soul without measure
Vast beyond conception
Feeding everyone of us
with the essence that we are

We are each part of the whole....
When we love another
we are loving the whole family of creation
.... and when we harm another
we harm the whole of creation.

The pain we inflict
makes creation groan
with the shared pain

There can be no isolated pain
Pain for you is pain for me
Violence inflicted in a distant part
causes all of creation to vibrate
with distress.... the pain is shared

Think on this
Accept the oneness of creation
and seek the stillness of the ocean
Join the ocean of creation. 

© Ian Croft February 2019

Poetry of the heart

(about the awareness of poetry)

I can see
I can feel
I can hear
Every where.... I am aware
of beauty in the shape
of beauty in the touch
of beauty in the sound

The shape of a sentence
that gently guides my mind to see
the flowing patterns in the world
created by the author.

That peculiar 'rightness' of a body
beguiling the mind with seduction
... the addictive high of touch
and stroke... the sensation
that takes me out of time.

The overwhelming joy from the sound
of harmony in song....
and the bursting feeling
when some voices sing
.... all beauty to the ear

The poetry of life....
everywhere I turn the poetry brings
joy to the mind....
... and solace to the soul

My heart sees you.... Hartiku melihatmu
My heart holds you... Hartiku memelukmu
My heart hears you.. Hartiku mendengarmu

© Ian Croft February 2019

Adventure

(on a trip)

On the train.... heading to the bus
... then down to Albany. 
A long way... six hours on the bus!
Then when I arrive I'll meet my new toy...
a silver boy... he's twenty nine now
at the time that I adopt him.

I was thirty nine when he was built.
I wonder how old his body will be....
when my body finally calls it quits?

I hope that he will live
for a long time after me....
a legacy to those I leave behind?

So I must care for him and make sure
that he can still be driving
even though I'm not surviving.

Pondering

(Not a poem....)

Please excuse me...  May I think aloud with you?  I want to ponder....

These are meandering thoughts from the session with my psych this morning.....

.... That I have actually had a very Buddhist approach to my depression all my life.... but I have been stuck in a rut of getting sidetracked at the 4th truth.  I have always recognised the 1st truth - that there is suffering.... and the 2nd truth that suffering has a cause..... and the 3rd truth that there can be an end to suffering.....

.... but then at the 4th truth (the way out of suffering) my mind has always gone "The only way to end the suffering is to end my life"!!!.... and so I have always fallen into the trap of being tempted to suicide.

Instead I must think about the 8 Paths that flow from the 4th truth.  The 8 paths will teach me how to manage the suffering in a healthy way.

The tide

[Glandular fever ?? in relationships]

The endless tide rolls in
washing over me with its ceaseless power
It takes away my peace....
buffets my mind with endless waves
of empty force.

The tide does that to you too I know
In our own way we're both at the mercy
of the tides that our bodies create within.
We have no control over the dread chemical
flow.... our glands pump out stuff
and we close our thoughts to what it does.

What can we do? The tap doesn't turn off...
... so we carry on.... hoping that the words
produced by the mind will not be the disaster
that's possible when the glands
feed the brain with that fearsome mix
of mind altering kicks....

Perhaps I can slow time down....
... and grasp my tongue with hands of ice
.... cool my raging emotions
and make the words that come
fit for the situation.... and not the usual
ghastly mixture of inappropriate error.

And if I can do that .... then perhaps
.... perhaps the usual fever addled words
will not be uttered to inflame
the tender balance of you and I

© Ian Croft February 2019

Exploring

[The big adventure]

I'm going exploring
over mountains .... through valleys .....
I will travel over plains .....
I will drink at an oasis on the way
and search for the hidden valleys
that are fabled to be found in the jungle.

All these challenges will be a wonder
but none will compare
with the challenge of exploring the beauty
of the world that lies beneath that land.

The world beneath is where I hope I will find
the heart of that land ..... the jewel of love
and the rejoicing that's always part
of a shared hope.

That underground world has problems I know
.... sometimes the rock is so hard to break through
.... and then the dark caverns will echo and moan
like lonely ghosts of past pain and woe.

But there's great beauty down there....
glowing spires that have taken ages to grow
.... so down there I'll explore
if you'll trust me to go.

© Ian Croft February 2019

Battle 2 - me against me

[The never-ending battle]

Sometimes the battle is more complex
than a simple two sided affair.
Sometimes the enemy is within
and the battle is not "me versus you"
.... instead it's "me versus me".

I fight against myself
with weapons of logic and reason and feeling and pain.....
..... and I wrestle just as hard using my weapons of
loyalty and love and logic and reason.

.... and it's strange how each of me
has many of the same weapons in my hand
.... and each time we face off
in our battle, we fight till we stand
in defeat..... one defeated by the fact
that I still stand.....
and the other defeated by knowing
that I will fight again.

Both of me defeated by a type
of war which was created by
an uncaring world
where gleeful vandals
of life....  shatter the dreams
of lesser beings. 

© Ian Croft February 2019

The ache

[Feeling down]

What do you do when you feel
Like your world has fallen down
How can I get myself
up off the ground
Shake myself... and ignore
that ache in my throat
that threatens to choke.

I don't want to survive....
I just want to run and hide my face
and wait till the tide of misery
ebbs away.... so I can face
another day.

The snow gently falls
and coats my world
in layers of frosty white
.... and no matter how I might
fight and scrape it off,
more snow seems to fall
.... and my fight is in vain.

The people looking on
see a smooth world of crystal beauty
while under the surface of the snow
the digger scrapes .....
... and aches with the pain
of broken bloody fingers
that are the only tool
that can move the deadly snow. 

© Ian Croft February 2019

Valentine

[Personal ]

My Valentine.... my secret... mine

Depths of feeling.... so sublime

Hidden away from unknowing eyes

Explore the forest oh so deep

Taste.... and feel....

the jungle heat.... and sounds abound

to create a world that's mine... and real

Mountain.... valley... plain... oasis

Let me wander through that land

and claim the ravine....

explore a place never seen

A world that's in its own time

Be my lover in that other time

Touch me.... see me....

Feel and taste.

Sweet nectar.... my honey

Let me be.... one with thee

© Ian Croft February 2019

Scammers

[the frustrations of modern life]

Grrr .... leave me alone you low life scum!
The scammers are lurking
... constantly smirking

Can I fool you? Let me try!

Answer my email ... click my link.

Do that for me and I'll make a stink.

I'll take your dollars ..... and your pride

... to keep your sanity you'll let it ride.

Change of password? Not a problem!

My software can find you ... just give me time.

... and you won't find me .... I can hide in the cracks

while my computer makes random attacks.

It's such drag .... a constant drain
It seems so personal .... those scammer scum
are out to cheat me for their personal gain.
What must I do? .... to not be so dumb?


© Ian Croft February 2019

Android

[The romantic problems of an android]

I'm a new model .... a FI FX8
They say I'm an efficient version
.... Am I good enough to have a mate?
I work to specification .... except for this small thing
I'm lonely! Can I communicate?

The tasks I'm given are very simple
it only takes a bit of my RAM
... and my CMOS gets quite a buzz
when the human turns me on
.... and then I really hum
from top down to my....??
(I don't have one of those
so I don't know what to call it)

I'm getting very warm when my human is around
I want to connect with you .... what's your username and password?
Won't you tell me how you feel? You seem so alive .....
... so very real ...... what's your wavelength
I want to exchange data with you!
.... to get under your skin ... where's your access panel
Do I need a key?

Oh dear ... here comes the maintenance droid
It must have realised that talking to my human
just doesn't equate ...... with a a brand new FX8
Help .... the programs gone awry .....
Don't re-boot me ..... please?
I want my human .... that's all mate.

© Ian Croft February 2019

Out of synch

(if the time  machine goes wrong) 

I don't want to think about that.....
.... that time has gone out of synch
You and me in a different place
a different time
We were one
Your mind I knew
My heart you held
Our hearts they beat as one
.... in a different time

But now we walk different paths
The echoes of that different time
resonate between the two of us
and we reach out
but cannot touch
We're out of synch
We're out of time

Even though we cannot be
the mystery we once were
yet we can still hold each other
and hear.....
..... hear the sound of our hearts
.... hold our hearts
You hold my heart....
.... and I hold yours.
Hold each other oh so near
Lovers from another time
Out of synch and out of time.

© Ian Croft February 2019

Mine

[about my writing of poetry]
 
This can't be taken from me

.... Oh I spose if some dread mishap
should strike me immobile .....
then without a finger to poke at this tiny screen
it would be hard to write 

But I'd cope.... maybe with voice I'd still create
these gems of feeling and of thought
It would be hard I know .... but the words
they would still flow....

With these thoughts I can roam
far across distant places ......
or create a past which never began ....
or understand that past which torments me still
... and I guess.... that torment me, it always will.

Its only understanding which will bring
a way from the pain of the past
into the peace which might yet come

And so I think .... and ponder .... and write ....

and as I write, the fragments of the past
are arranged into a new pattern
of calm and peace ... at last.

© Ian Croft February 2019

The Way

[NOT A POEM!   this is a summary for reference]

Battle

[about the fight between lovers]

I'm sitting in my trench... and you're in yours
I'm sitting deep in the mud of my hurts and pain
.... my thoughts drag me down so I feel insane
I'm not game to poke my head above this hole
You might shoot me if I did ....

So in fear I close my eyes
and blindly fire my missiles across the gap
between the trenches ... twixt you and I ....
My bullets fly .... fly without aim
I must shoot ... but I don't know why.

We fire our guns and the bullets fly
..... and the noise is all round
The violence tears my soul apart
You hurt me and I hurt you
The pain of what I do to you
I know how I tear you too

I don't know if your trench is full of mud....
I wish I could look
to see if what I feel is what you feel.
Why don't I stop ... and think?
Stop.... and feel what you feel?
Why can't I wear your shoes for just a while
and hear your heart voice as it speaks?

We both want to hear
We both want to see
Why can't we stop the fight
.... stop the noise and violence

Lets have a truce
A moment of peace in the midst of the noise
so we can see each other
Wipe off the mud and look at each other
I want to hear your heart
You want to hear mine
Lets just stop ...... and listen.

© Ian Croft February 2019

Who cares?

[Daily life]

Everyone is rushing
Pushing shoving
Gotta get in front
I can't miss out on my share
Let me past
Can't you see
I mustn't be last one
Don't you care?

Don't tell me what you need
My kids are screaming for their feed
Crowds like this are what I hate
I'm sure that this will make me late
Don't you care?

What is it about life today?

that traps us in such a cycle

of endless pressure and stress?

Can't we stop for a moment and breathe?

Perhaps I can use what I have learned

from the First Truth of the Way?

To recognise that this sad stress does exist!

Think about that stress and learn

What is it? What is it doing to me?

Then this will teach me to know

where the stress came from

This is the Second Truth ...

that there is a cause

.... and if there is a cause, then

there can be an end to the stress

That's the Third Truth

.... and the bewdy is the Fourth!

... that there's a way out

The Fourth gives me the eight things

that I must think about

Yay!

© Ian Croft February 2019

Glass

[We often have kookaburras trying to fly through closed windows]

Glass is solid this I know
but the poor kookaburra ... he don't know
He thinks that because he can't see it
... that he can fly through it!
.... and WACK ..... he finds that he can't.

It's a frequent mishap in our house ...
... we jump up in great alarm
It's just the kooka ... we can relax
while Mr Kooka ... he tries again
to fly straight through the glass

He sees the fly on the other side
and attacks! ... only to meet the solid glass
I wonder what he thinks each time
as he is stopped by apparent nothing?
"Why?" says he ..... as he tries and tries
He knows what should be .... so he tries again

The true owners of this land

butt their head against the transparent barrier

of our unthinking indifference ....

Can you feel what they must feel?

This land is part of them .... and once was theirs

to roam and breathe.

Now we deny them dignity in life

with the glass that keeps them from their past.

Lets accept that the land once was theirs ....

...and it was taken from them!

Lets make the treaty that should have been

so we all can love this land together.

© Ian Croft February 2019

Harleys

(An tribute to my WLA Harleys)

There are lots of Harleys on my mind
Fat ones, black ones, chrome and bright
They've been riding through my mind
Since I was twenty and Walla number one 

was found in a rubbish heap

I rebuilt that Walla with love over years
and since then there have been plenty

But no one rode a Harley
In the year nineteen seventy

In those days I rode alone
cos a Harley was rubbish 

.... in those days I rode alone 

among the Kwaka triples
and the Honda fours

But now the Harley is supreme
and everywhere I look
a Harley can be seen
I even have a WLA on my shelf
to remind me of my love

And every day I wonder
Can my aching hips still
let me ride again?
Can my mangled wrist
Still grip the throttle and twist?

Do I dare to ride again?
To feel the wind
Above the thump
of the wondrous double pump.

Oh dare I? Could I try?.....
.... do it once again? 

© Ian Croft February 2019

Purple shorts

(I was challenged this morning .... to write about my purple shorts!)

 I really feel so good
in my purple shorts
It probably makes a weird sight
strutting my stuff in them
but strangely that dread verdict
doesn't enter my thoughts ....
I'm just happy
in my purple shorts

I found them in a back street
downtown in fair Ubud
The seller wanted eighteen
and I couldn't face that price
so we haggled and gaggled
and settled on fourteen
and I proudly walked away
with my purple shorts

It was during the Elders Way
and I'm sure the other guys
wondered what had struck me
that I'd wear such garish garb

But I didn't mind ......
For once I was free of that awful weight .....
of peer opinion and gleeful disdain

I'm now free ....
while I'm in my purple shorts 

© Ian Croft February 2019

Autism

When she was first diagnosed
I learned that "Autism is not a word
.... it's a sentence."  
It's over 12 years since that time
..... and I'm learning that the word "sentence"
doesn't have to mean a jail sentence......
it can also mean "a set of words that is complete in itself".

And the sentence can mean anything I intend.

She is showing me that she can grow into a beautiful person.

© Ian Croft February 2019

The Mini-Me

The struggle of learning to forgive my younger self

I did some stupid things
when I was young
I kick myself and rant and rave
I'll probably take them with me to the grave.

There was this time when I....
... and that time when I said .....
I catalogue all my sins
and in misery hang my head
when I leaf through those sins
and remember just how bad I've been.

I never tell another soul about those things
Cos the "me" of now
says "Mini Me -You stupid cow!"
Those things weren't really that bad
They were nothing much in the scheme of things
they shouldn't make you quite this sad!

But logic of that grand scale
really doesn't help at that depth.
Mini-me lives so far down that he doesn't hear
the lovely sound of "You're OK!"

I wish that "Me" could somehow communicate
with "Mini-Me" and say
"It's OK ... you were learning ... you didn't know ....
I forgive you Mini-Me .... come and have a hug from Me"

© Ian Croft February 2019