Freebies

I gather the discards from other lives

.... sweet little gifts that fall

from the Gumtree around me

Things that you don't need.... 

I can turn those unwanted items

into treasure..... built into the project

We each have freebies that we can't touch

.... an endless supply of the feelings and moments

........ and the funny thing is that when I give

them to you, sometimes I find that

we share them.... you want them

and when you hold them, I find that

I'm holding you! 

So take these freebies that I offer you

.... and if you find that this freebie

is something you cherish... 

then hold me and share the freebie. 

The restaurant of magic

House in a valley

People bring their soul and share

a moment of their lives

Snapshots of eternity

each one a piece in a kaleidescopic jigsaw

The food is a distillation of the thoughts

and experiences of each diner

.... perfect for the moment

and an inspiration for the future

The conductor is at the same moment

a composer, an inspiration, a writer, a muse

The music of this place is a symphony

of infinity..... the patrons are the orchestra

... and each one will be touched

at the core of their being. 

Dream

Dreams are like clouds....

drifting through our life

They draw me onward....

ever upward

..... but should I touch that dream?

It's longing made of nothingness

When my hand tries to touch

then the dream is illusion

I saw you once again

and the memories cut me

.... bleeding and so real

I want to live those memories again

Why can't you hear me? 

Close to my heart

Some words are so precious.....

I hold them in my heart and I often

hear them again.

Each time I hear those words

the pleasures explode anew in my mind

and it feels as though time

has rewound..... and I can feel you close again.

Some words are not precious.....

and they bring back pain

When I hear those words in my memory

it feels like winter.... with freezing cold and rain

I wish I could forget those words

but my memory torments me at times.

It opens the door to the past

and makes me relive the bad times too.

As time moves on I find that

the good memories grow sweeter....

.... the bad memories grow bleaker

But I can sometimes touch the bad memories

without feeling the cutting pain.....

The pain is fading now

and the sweet flowers are covering the pain

with their beautiful fragrance.

Life is getting better. 

Destruction

[..... the victim speaks] 

My dreams are gone....

dreams shattered in a few fleeting moments 

when you forced your brutal lust

on my vulnerable body.

In my innocence I had no understanding 

of what you did.... only the pain. 

The pain shocked my mind and my body

I couldn't have resisted even if it was possible

For you I was a thing

.... you didn't care that the person I thought I knew

had been destroyed in those moments

My dreams destroyed

... the image I held in my mind

could never never do such a thing to me

You were my special one.... my idol... 

but you smashed my image... 

... smashed my dreams

And now there's an aching hole in my heart

that I used to hold you in.... 

Gone..... gone.... you are gone

and the leering face can never

take the place... 

you used to hold

The destruction is complete.

© Ian Croft September 2019 

Once....

[...... on aging]

Once I was young and bold

... able to leap tall buildings in a single bound

Now I feel decrepit and old

.... leaping a puddle is the best I've found

Once I could solve complex issues

..... now I can barely open a box of tissues

I used to climb tall ladders with speed

.... now to mount two steps, assistance I need! 

Oh for the joys of youth

.... I think I've lost them

and that's the truth

Now I sit in my chair and nod

.... perhaps to the letter box

with weary step do I plod

But for all the trials an aging body brings

there are many times that my spirit sings

Watching my child with her exuberance 

... seeing her love for me and her mother

These are joys to compare with no other

So I'm content in these days..... 

They're the best of all

...... that's what I says!


© Ian Croft September 2019 

Welcome

[... contemplating a cancer diagnosis]


Welcome friend....

... I've been waiting for you.

Your arrival brings a fresh pleasure

..... although your presence is not welcome

you bring an appreciation of all

 that I have been blessed with in my life.....

The people I have known and loved.... 

.... the experiences I have lived

All the memories have new value now

..... because you are here

..... and my remaining days 

might yet taken by you. 

So I am mindful of your touch

I can feel you within me. 

You have grown large..... 

and made your presence felt. 

Though you're part of me

I will tear you from my body. 

The memories you bring to life

are very welcome..... 

.... but you.... are.... not.


© Ian Croft August 2019 

The world within

{..... mindfulness}

Breathing in..... my mind sinks down
Slowly, slowly I become aware
..... aware of sensations.... of feelings
that are so often lost.... lost as flotsam
in the sea of busyness
.... moment by moment my slowing mind
allows the universe to overcome the busyness
and the urgency of my world

Creation is all round me.....
.... and it's within me....
It's waiting for me to stop...
... to slow down and accept

In accepting I will become whole
.... whole because I am part of creation
and creation is part of me

Where I once was separated and alone
I can now become aware
of my place in the universe

Is this something that I dare?
Can I reach out and become that being?
Moment by moment...... I am

© Ian Croft August 2019 

Wanderers

We're all wanderers in these halls

.... we come and go.... and some return

We seek respite and a solace here

.... peace and calm

    ..... for that we yearn

   

And many of us find that solace here

yet many do not.... and must try again

Regardless of success or not.... 

a friendly face can be found here

.... a caring hand and willing listener

.... who can hear when we need to talk

The path can be hard at times

.... it's not easy to stir up the past

with all the hurt and the pain

But it must be done if we're to heal

.... and find a place for our mind to rest

So sit awhile with us.... 

.... listen to our thoughts

We will do anything in our power

to reach that place of rest.... 

..... We will succeed!

© Ian Croft August 2019 

At the centre

We pass in the passage

..... sharing knowledge of where

we each have traveled

We know the pain that we struggle with

and we share the hope

that here we will find 

an end to that pain 

Or.... if not an end.... then a time of rest

.... a time to find a fresh mind

to let us survive through the next time

I don't know your names

but I see your faces.....

I hear your voices walking past

I don't know your story

but I can guess what you're feeling

and I can try to share that feeling. 

So be calm... remember

Keep holding on.....

..... the pain will come to an end

Hold on to the hope you have

..... hold on..... hold on

© Ian Croft August 2019 

Dreams

Sailing on a sea of wistfulness
... driven by winds of hope
The ship of dreams carries us onward
.... ever moving from despair to joy
since the moment we became aware

..... but will the ship that sails so well
ever reach its destination?
The ship has a motley crew....
.... all our mem'ries are aboard
and its captain is our desire....

The things which we desire
guide the course of this fine ship
.... and the things we have experienced
are the crew that keep the sails trimmed

And so we sail through life
.... all is well till the tempest comes
and blows our ship of dreams
far from its course.

Then the crew will look to their captain
.... to give them hope and purpose
.... to bring the ship to to its home
and the dreams? Perhaps to reality.....
.... perhaps to nought
but should those dreams come to nought
... still the dreams will have sailed the sea of life.


© Ian Croft August 2019 

Revive

[..... a shared quest]

The well is dry
The thoughts are not flowing
.... the quest we have embarked on
cannot end unknowing

The end of our quest
may be a time of rest
.... or it may be the failure of touch
which will bring our feelings to dust

This is a risk we must take
..... that we might be unable to make
that leap of renewal
... to create a beautiful jewel
of perfect emotion

That emotion no longer damaged and marred
by the violence of the actions which scarred
your heart so long ago.....
.... pain which only you can know

.....but in this we may succeed!

And in that success
you would find great joy
You'd be able to feel... to connect
.... your senses able to perfect
the emotions you thought were lost

This is my hope for you
.... that our quest
will create a new life
.... and your heart..... renew.


© Ian Croft August 2019 

I feel like writing....

The urge is there this morning

I've only just stopped yawning.....

... and I want to create!

The thoughts whirl round

and it's almost as if they

make a loud sound

..... clamoring to take their place

on the screen.

Once they form a shape

they jiggle round and fit themselves

into their proper place

.... Then they're happy.....

.... cos they gain meaning

Isn't that a bit like us? 

We get thrown onto the page of life

and we wiggle and jiggle.... 

.... finding just where we fit into life... 

..... and family.... and community

.... and relationships 

And till we find our place

.... where we fit

then we're not comfortable.... 

.... it's just not right!

But then we find our place.... 

... our role in life

and we become part 

of the poetry of life.

© Ian Croft August 2019 

Fantasy fortress

It rises above the barren landscape

.... the finely sculpted walls protect

.... shielding the creator from the reality

of the surrounding world

Inside the crystal walls is a wonderland

of warmth and gentle breezes

No jarring noise can disturb the peace within

..... and no cruelty can exist there

It's a place of fantasy.....

... created by the mind within

Circumstances magically mesh

in perfection..... no pain here

The outside landscape is a fantasy too....

all is more bleak.... and more horrible than reality

Everything inside and out.... all is fantasy

and unreal.....

No loneliness here..... hearts can touch

and meld into connective delights

..... constant happiness and harmony

No arguments or discontent

..... can jar the calm

Oh.... if only it were real

.... my heart aches for this fantasy

but I know it cannot be so

... it cannot be so

© Ian Croft August 2019 

You are loved

[..... remember]



The years will unfold for you
..... memories will become layers
in your mind as experiences build for you

Through it all.....
..... when you're tempted to feel sad
Remember.....
..... remember that you have been loved
.... that you have been counted as special

Times will come when you feel down
.... when there's little reason
to wipe off that frown
.... but in those times.... remember
... remember that you have been loved
.... that your amazing spirit and mind
have been loved and appreciated

.... and I?
..... I will be forever thankful
that you touched my life
.... that you touched my heart

© Ian Croft July 2019 

Where to now?

[..... to a friend]

Beautiful creature full of life
... you've paid such a huge price
to be walking this earth
They stole your innocence
with their callous violence
and their heartless rejections
....... stab you still

For a time it seemed
they might succeed
in taking your spirit as well...
.... but no..... your spirit now soars!

But the violence you've suffered
has left deep scars
The scars are not in your skin
... they're in your soul
and you've been robbed of precious dreams
and robbed of feelings of joy

Pleasure which should have been yours
has been blocked from your life
by the endless endurance
of mindless spiteful strife.

..... and now?

You're facing a choice......

You can either accept their victory
and accept that they have stolen your feelings

or you can reject what they've done to you
and claim back your feelings.....
...... claim back the pleasure

It's your right! It's your life!
Take the feelings into your mind.....
Don't let the death of your pleasure
be the bastards continuing victory

© Ian Croft July 2019 

Down in the hole

It's such a lonely place.....

.... down in the hole.

Friends talk to me from the edge above

.....  but the sides of the hole

are sheer..... and so slippery

They can't climb down.....

..... and if they could climb down

then they'd be in the hole too!

That might not be so lonely....

but we'd still be there in the hole

There's talk of finding me a ladder!

.... to take away these terrible feelings

and let me climb out

I hope it works.....

.... I'm so... so tired of feeling like this. 

The abyss

It yawns in front of me

I watch others falling in....

.... dragged down by overwhelming sadness

.... and endless pain

I reach out to you...

I'll not let you fall

I've only just found you

..... don't give in

... don't let yourself fall

Hold on to whatever you can

.... you can do this

Just hold on to the hope

..... dream of tomorrow

Life can be better....

... you said that to me

and you stopped me from falling

.... falling into the abyss

Now... I do that for you

Don't fall.... hold on.... don't fall

Is your heart big enough?

It takes a big heart to hold all my hurts
...... a lifetime of rejection and pain
that's what my heart tries to contain
It struggles to keep them under control
.... and often it fails.

So the hurts spill over
..... and rush to my head
And my mind takes it all in
... and ends in a spin

Is your heart big enough?
.... big enough to understand my heart
yet not be consumed by the darkness?

At times the darkness is like tar
.... spreading over the joy
so that the joy can't shine through

Is your heart strong enough?
..... to stand under the weight of the darkness
and to let the joy escape?

It's been such a long time.......
Is your heart big enough?

© Ian Croft July 2019 

Futile existence

Life can get pretty frustrating at times

..... but it all boils down to some simple things 

Family.... Feed.... fuck..... and die

Everything else is froth and bubble

..... don't buy yourself too much trouble

by chasing the fripperies.....

We're "sold a pup" about how important

the other things are....

but at the end of the day

we can't take it with us!

..... so it doesn't matter.

So don't sweat the little stuff

..... does it really matter? 

Keep focused on the basics

In the game of life.... 

keep your ball on the green

..... and stay out of the rough

© Ian Croft July 2019 

Travelling

Life is a journey from one place to the next
.... much of the way is smooth ground
but sometimes the surface is rocky
and it's hard to walk....

When you walk on your own
the going can be tough.....
many a fall with hurts all over

If another can walk beside me
the smooth parts of the walk
.... can be a time of shared joy
and the rough parts will lose the pain

When you trip I will catch you
and when I fall you will ease my pain
Together..... we can make the journey
into a time of delight....

So take my hand.... and walk with me
.... help me in the bad times
and sing with me in the good
Life is so much better when shared.

© Ian Croft July 2019 

Hard slog

[.... bad day]

It's so hard to keep going
when you have to slog through the mud and mire
..... when it feels like life is not worth living

So many parts of life all conspire
to make a mess of my emotions
.... and when that happens it gets hard to think
... hard to make a decision
and so hard to keep going through the motions
of daily living

It's hard
... so ... so hard

Is the end in sight?
... I hope so.
There are times when I don't want
to make it through the night....

But if I force myself I can remember
that others go through worse than me
.... and they still cope
.... or do they? Is this really living
when every step we take is such a trial .....
when you have to slog through the mud and mire

© Ian Croft July 2019 

Precious moments

These precious moments

are like diamonds in a stream....

.... we can't see them

but if we put our hands in the water

we can feel them....

Precious moments....

So close to us....

Yet so hard to find.....

and so hard to hold

Reach out to me

take these moments I offer to you

If you let the moments lie

then the moments will be gone

Touch the moments....

.... please

© Ian Croft July 2019 

Deserve?

You have been offered a gift....

... a gift of love

But you hesitate to accept..... 

... unsure if you are worthy

What can you do to deserve the love?

Nothing...... there's nothing you can do

Love's a gift..... It cannot be earned

..... or worked for

     ...... or deserved 

It is only for you to accept 

...... or for you to reject

So put aside those judgements

where you place yourself on the scales of life

and you find yourself wanting......

You think that your worth....

..... your value..... can somehow

be measured against some arbitrary scale

..... and found to be lacking?

This love that is offered to you

is given because of the gift itself

It's the nature of love

that its given without measure 

.... it's given without price

   ..... and accepting the gift brings no debt

It's yours to accept..... or to reject

Rather than measure yourself....

instead consider that your acceptance

will bring a gift to the one who offers you love

© Ian Croft July 2019 

Limits

Sometimes love has limits

The classic goal is to love without limits

..... unrestrained passion

But it's an unrealistic aim

since we each carry our past.

When we find that special connection

our heart says "Go!".....

       .......  and reality says "Go slow!"

Why?..... Why do the chains of my past

drag me down.... passion killer

..... when all I want to do is fill her

with joy.... and peace.... 

I want to break free..... 

    ..... I want to break free

I want you to know me

.... the person you can't see

My past.... I want to be free

© Ian Croft July 2019 

       

Broken promises

Life seems full of broken promises

..... we trust too much

and then we're disappointed

Often the seemingly broken promises

are really broken communication

.... she said.... I heard.... we both thought

different things.

The things we thought we said

became different things 

in each other's head. 

And it becomes a broken promise

once again..... 

..... another bitter stab

by the blade that we cannot touch

..... that cuts so easily

It hurts so much

as it pierces my heart. 

Our path together began so close 

..... we said the same words

and we thought that we heard..... 

what each of us said. 

.... but each step we took was angled

ever so slightly apart

and the further we walked, 

the further apart we were

till we reach a point where I try to touch you

..... and you're not even there. 

We call out to each other now

..... but the sound is muffled

by the clouds of uncertainty

© Ian Croft July 2019 

Treasure chest

I kept my heart in a treasure chest

..... in that place it was safe

Nothing could hurt me there

... in that place so secure

Then one day I found a wanderer

... so hurt and so like me

I was entranced..... 

and so I gave her the key

The key to my treasure chest

..... she now holds the key

She opens that place and looks inside

and turns my heart upside down

She could come inside if she dared

.... come inside if she cared

What will she do?

Will she join me in that place?

.... and put her heart next to mine?

Two hearts could beat as one

© Ian Croft July 2019 

Fantasy

Reality is such a downer

Fantasy is much better

..... no pesky details to get in the way

   ..... I can rearrange facts to make it work

 I like it when the world is mine

 to change my world  ....

..... to fit my desires

It's so cool.

But then comes the hard part!

.... hoping that the other players

in my lovely fantasy

will play their part too!

The fantasy is that you will share....

.... that the fantasy will be yours too

    ..... and you'll be there!

Then reality strikes again....

.... the fantasy is just that....

....... a fantasy.....

And like a mist in the early morning... 

My dreams evaporate in the heat

of the dawning day.

Gone.....   gone.....

It's all gone.... 

Reality hurts so much

© Ian Croft July 2019 

My body

[..... we all have one]

My body is my worst enemy
..... and my best friend
It's the only one I have!

My body allows "me" to experience pleasure .... and joy ....
Those chemicals my body produces make my brain
tell "me"  that things are .... oh so good.
Yet the body also produces chemicals which torment ...
.... bringing desires which cannot be sated
and which bring tears of endless frustration

If I get rid of my body?

..... if it's my friend then I would be gone
No more "me" to bother "you"
No more pleasures ... and no more joy

.....but if it's my enemy then I have lost nothing
but the pain and the torment .....
and these I can do without
.... cos if that's what life is about
then aren't we better off without this living thing?

Come closer my friend .... let me feel your touch
It's so dark and cold when I'm alone ....
..... it makes me feel so old .... and tired .... and defeated

But when you are close .... when you touch my heart
I feel joy .... and I want to stay
Do you understand? .... all that I say?

© Ian Croft July 2019 

Fabulous furry felines

[.... of Squish and other cats]

A group of cats is called a clowder. 
... I don't know why ....
Perhaps because when they're all together

..... they're much, much louder? 

A group can also be called a glaring, 
particularly if the cats are uncertain of each other. 
Ha!.... I can just see them.... stalking round
.... their backs all a frizz
           ..... staring and glaring

A litter of kittens can also be called a kindle.
... so a kindle is part of a clowder!
A kindle will never be part of a glaring
because the mother cats are certain of their kittens

I wonder if I'm allow da
 ...... be part of your beautiful clowder
I hope so......

© Ian Croft July 2019

I feel like I don't deserve.....

 [.... we all suffer from this]

Guilt.....
It's an age old pain
that has been bothering us
for thousands of years.....

The really old guys just threw it away!
A "scape goat" would be loaded
with their guilt... and then the poor thing
would be driven away..... or sacrificed
.... and hey presto! .... the guilt was gone
and if the human accepts that.....
he can feel good again.
Acceptance is huge

Then along came the others.....
Jesus.... Buddha..... the Prophet....
Each had their own idea
about why and how....
Why do we feel guilt?
How do we remove that guilt?

Cos we can't live with that guilt
Guilt is an emotional millstone
.... it sits on our shoulders
and drowns us in the sea of misery

Jesus says that guilt is something
that we can't hope to remove....
.... that only God can do that
We must accept....
Acceptance is huge

Buddha says that guilt is a problem
that we must recognize...
Accept the guilt as a fact.....
Acceptance is huge

The prophet says to follow the rules
and then maybe the guilt is not there?
I hope so.....
Acceptance is huge

Whatever answer sits well in your mind
.... think about it..... accept it
Acceptance is huge
.... and acceptance is the answer

© Ian Croft July 2019

You are not alone

[.... for a friend who's in a bad place]

The sky is very dark

It feels as if the blackness and the gloom

will never go away.....

The clouds press down.....

.... and my world feels so flat

The clouds are so dark...

..... the thicker they are

the darker they look....

From where I stand underneath

it feels as though I will be crushed

In my head I know that the sun still shines

.... above the clouds the sun 

turns the blackness into shining white

But I'm underneath.... not on top

....  and I feel so flat.

But wait!

I feel a hand on my shoulder.....

.... you are here!  

You stand behind me

..... and put your arms around me

I am not alone!  I am not alone! 

If you are with me then the gloom is gone

.... and it becomes a shared time. 

I am not alone.

© Ian Croft July 2019

Words

[..... writers block]

The words are reluctant.....

.... not showing their faces

I miss them so much.

I love my words....

... the way they play on the page

They express what I feel...

Sometimes I can't speak... 

but the words that flow

will speak for me I know

But now I'm sad.....

 because the words are stuck

.... blocked at the door 

they mill round in confusion

.... seeking the form and shape

that gives them life and meaning

Why? (say the words) 

Oh why can't we leap onto the page?

Joyfully dance round the hidden thoughts

.... and gently sing the sounds

that give life to his thinking

Perhaps his muse is far away

... perhaps her pain is holding us in chains

Release us please.... let us dance again

© Ian Croft July 2019

Elephant in the room

[.... dare we talk about it?]

The common view is that it's bad....

... it's wrong.... 

and we mustn't think about it

..... mustn't talk about it.

But the more I open up

and talk to others about it

the more I find that..... 

they're thinking about it too!

The dread thought!

..... the act that would take me to nought.

The thing that scares each one of us

is that we don't want pain.... 

I guess that we don't want pain 

.... in living.... or in dying

Living is a wonderful thing.... 

.... but when living is a constant 

and seemingly unending experience of pain

.... then it ceases to be a wonderful thing 

and becomes an endless torment. 

Dying is always portrayed as violent

.... painful..... to be fought against...
Why?  Why can't death be peaceful .... calm ...

..... death is part of life... 

        We will all die.... 

Why should death be seen as bad? 

Let's plan for death as a part of our life! 

.... embrace the coming end
Lets make it good! ... a time of peace ....

Share the memories of the good parts

and make this part of life 

...... a good part too.

© Ian Croft July 2019

Done for me?

[.... getting things right]

When I look back over the years

.....when I remember all the pain

.. the way that the past was torn from me

I think of those as the voiceless years

Unable to speak of what had been done

I retreated into silence.... 

..... and the silence retreated inside a shell

Nothing could hurt me if no one suspected

.... I was there but I wasn't 

No sound.... no telling anyone

of just what had been done. 

And so the silence grew.... 

.... and strengthened.... 

The walls of the shell thickened

....it became ever harder to speak

Then the healing began

and the walls began to crack and thin

Long years while I found my voice

and began to speak.... 

And then.... I found you!

I was astounded....

Your suffering made me 

put my own suffering 

into proportion..... 

You had suffered so much

...... and yet you had survived

.... and in your own way you had coped.

You were not catatonic..... you could speak

You told me just what had been done to you

Your example.... so painfully earned

.... is a shining proof that

 I... Can.... Do... It

Thankyou.... Thankyou.... Thankyou

© Ian Croft June 2019

Hidden

[..... don't be afraid]

You've hidden so much

of what you felt

Hidden them in the corners of your heart

You've refused to open up

.... to show me what you felt

Afraid that you'd be hurt again

I see your pain....

... let me in

into your heart again

Let me into your heart

So I can find what you've felt

..... let me into the corners of your heart

   ..... together we can feel

      ..... together we can be strong

     

Don't be afraid my love

.... your heart is my home

  .... you have the key to the door

 Unlock your heart and let me in.

© Ian Croft June 2019

Procrastination

[.... wait a while]

I'm alive because I procrastinate
Time after time....
..... moment by moment...
I find an excuse not to

There are strong temptations
.... raging feelings that would drag me down
... to take that step
..... gather the parts
..... that make the whole
all that I need to complete the task

To surrender.....
.... welcome the next step
.... the step that leads to who knows where
but it would be away from here

Away from here.....
... away from you?
No... not yet... wait a little longer
It can wait.....
Just procrastinate

.... and if I wait for a minute
then I can delay for an hour....
.... and if I can delay for an hour
then I know it can wait...
... do I rush to meet that fate?
Naaah... just procrastinate

© Ian Croft June 2019

Mystery lover

[...... advice to a future child]

Mystery lover.... I once had one...
He stole my heart but I told no-one
 

It was long ago...
... when I was young
and flowers bloomed
          inside my heart.

My daughter.... my child....
you share my heart
I speak to you now
.... your life's at the start
 

Don't be afraid of the pain love can bring
Roses are beautiful....
.... but their thorns are so sharp

When love comes knocking
at the door to your heart
.... don't be slow to let it in
 

Love's too precious to let waste away
The mystery lover might be here to stay

© Ian Croft June 2019

Holes

[.... we all have 'em]

Many of us have holes.....
Most of the time we manage
to maneuver around the hole
and live our daily life.

For most it's just one solitary hole
.... for others there are several holes
and sometimes the holes are linked....
... joined by a tunnel or even a trench

For these poor buggas,
it's hard to stay out of a hole!
If perchance they have a good time
walking on the surface....
happy for a moment...
.... then... sure as eggs the next step
will see them falling into the next hole.

For those of us with just one hole ....
the hole is often not too deep
.... and after the shock of being in the hole
the climb back out is not too hard

But if there are more holes
then we stumble into the next one!
..... and the really tough one .....
is when the holes are connected!

The poor bloke in the hole struggles
    .... and flails about ...
and usually finds the way
.... from the first hole into the next hole!

From down below the lonely bugga cries for help
.... but from above those cries grow more and more muffled
as the network of holes gets larger
     ......and it becomes so easy for people above
to ...just... not.... hear ... the cries from below

What to do? I don't know.....

© Ian Croft June 2019

Wots it all about?

[... the purpose?]

What's it all about?
Do we have a purpose?
Is there a reason that we exist?

If I don't connect with you
  ..... then I'm not sure that there is.
My purpose is to connect.....
I want to serve you
by being what you need.

If you need a listener,
then I am here......
If you need wise counsel,
then I'll try....
If you need touch,
then I will reach for you
to bridge that gap....
Skin to skin....
       Mind to mind....
               Soul to soul....
I will be whatever you need.....
     whatever you want.

I think that's what it's all about. 

© Ian Croft June 2019

If this moment.....

[..... at the end?]

If this moment is my last....
.... if all I have left is my past
...... then I am content
More than content....

I am exhilarated.

To have known you in my life
... to have shared the moments
.... the moments of joy
..... your happiness has been my happiness
your pleasure has been mine

I have known you....
.... touched your heart
and heard the small voice of your soul

.... I am content.

© Ian Croft June 2019

The light of day....

[..... oh no!]

Most times my imaginary world
is just as I desire it to be .....
my fantasy life  discards any pesky facts
that don't really work!
It becomes a peaceful pool
of pleasant feelings and emotions....

... but the wave of reality crashes
onto my blissful fantasy
Smashing illusions.....
washing away dreams....

Oh.... it hurts.... so much....
The illusions were so good
and the feeling seemed so real....
It leaves me in a pool of despair....
.... my heart cries "It's just not fair!"

The pleasant feelings are replaced by
the bitterness of knowing
that my fantasy is just that....
... a house of cards
.... collapsing.....
....in the slightest breath of normality

.... so sad

© Ian Croft June 2019

Bulldozer

[... selfish ... heartless people]

You forced your way into my space
I begged you not to...
You did not ask for permission
.... and after you had finished
you did not ask for my forgiveness.

You didn't consider my pain then...
and you don't realise now
just how you have hurt me....
you have stolen the future
that I dreamed of....
and now all I have is the burnt out husk
of a shattered dream.

Bulldozer.... you climbed over my hopes
and pushed those hopes into a pile of rubble
Your selfish wants were a blade
that scraped my self into a bleeding scrap heap

But piles of rubble can be turned into a wall....
I will not let you do that again
My life is my own behind that wall.
I will not let you hurt me again

The me that you dreamed of is gone
.... your thoughtless cruelty
has destroyed the person you thought you owned
I will not let you near me again

© Ian Croft June 2019

Too much?

[.... wots it all about?]

We know too much.....
and we love not enough.

Paralysis by analysis
.... our thoughts dissected
......... pains resurrected
so they can be vivisected
.... cut apart while we live
we open our souls
and seek to understand
just why we tick....

We know what makes us tick....
.... but why do we tick

Acceptance is huge .....
a wise soul said to me
....So let me accept.....
.... don't analyse.... just accept

The pain is there....
....  just accept
..... and with acceptance may come understanding
Understand where the pain has come from
so I can accept the why....

And in acceptance....
.... love can come
        and love will be enough. 

© Ian Croft June 2019

The fear

[.... it's a bad day]

Looking back .... the fear has been a constant companion
... a ghastly shadow that walked behind me
In the past it has always waited for sleep
before taking control of my thoughts
..... in waking times it has been a voice over my shoulder
constantly sniping .... and stabbing with vicious needles.

But now this demon has grown bolder .....
It has changed the form of its attack ....
It waits just behind my thoughts ...
.... the panic and fear is overwhelming
and it tells me that it is bigger than me...

I know that this huge ball of panic is more than I can survive
I will be lost .... I cannot cope .....

The friends who stand with me against this thing
remind me that the fear is not real!
The fear cannot hurt me ... I have faced this fear before
This fear is not real ..... it cannot pierce my skin
it cannot hurt me ....
It cannot hurt my mind unless I give it the weapon
It is not real ... I will not allow it to be real.

© Ian Croft June 2019

No logic here!

[..... don't sweat it!]

Love knows no logic....
.... it makes no decisions
It just is..... and it just acts

There's no rhyme nor reason
when the heart starts to move
..... before you realise what is happening
it's going full steam ahead.

Forget brains and intelligence
..... it just is....

.... so follow your heart....
...... or be left to wonder
Just where did I go wrong??

© Ian Croft June 2019

The heart makes its own rules....

[.... you might regret it!]

The heart is an unbridled beast
that rides rough shod over any
who would stand in its way.
The heart cannot be tamed....
it will never allow itself to be restrained
and controlled....

Fools who imagine.....
that they have that power
find that the heart can wreak havoc
upon the fools emotions
..... and upon their health.
Though they deny the heart its way
they will never find the happiness they seek. 

There is no limit to the price you will pay
if you deny the heart its desires.

But the heart is also a tender owner
who will reward the willing slave
with limitless riches.....
.... happiness beyond measure

So don't fight it....
..... when your heart commands your obedience
give in joyfully..... welcome the path
that you know you must follow. 

The heart makes its own rules....
... it will not follow the rules of another. 

© Ian Croft June 2019

Words cannot express....

[... about your mother]

Words cannot express a mother's love
for her child.....
... and the love between mother and daughter
can be a breathtaking emotion.

Many a dream of closeness has failed
to grow.... and the dream often turns
into bitterness and anger.
        So sad.....
       
There's so much shared feeling....
..... so much shared experience
     .... so much joy is possible 

How can that dream be nurtured?
.... to grow into the beautiful flower
that will give both of you peace and joy? 

Think on this Mother.....
..... think on this Daughter
Of course there will be a price to pay....
.... but think of the joy that you can give. 

Isn't it worth the price? 

© Ian Croft June 2019

If.....

[.... the battle with the black dog]

If I can last another hour....
I'll still be here.
If I can last through the day
then tomorrow will come

And if tomorrow comes and I'm still here
then who knows what the day will bring.
But for this moment?
Another distraction is all I need
.... a phone call.... or a message
that will occupy my mind
A contact from you? Yes please
... it would really put my thoughts at ease

I know you're busy.... it's hard to ask...
When you have your own life to lead
... a bloke like me
is the last thing you need

So I'll struggle on....
The things I do
.... have worked for many a year
As these moments go by
they will still work I guess....

.... but I'm not sure if I'm glad about that
.... or sad about that. 

© Ian Croft June 2019

How do I find a friend?

[..... for the bad times]

I look at the list of people I know in my FB page
and I'm struck by how few of these people
know me more than as a 'surface contact'
Many know of the battles I have faced .....
Many know of the struggles with the black dog.
A few know of the depths of those struggles
.... just how deep the struggles dive to.

I have told many of the 'winter of depression' feeling
...... to convey the feeling to those with no experience
and the story seems to get through to them.

But when I'm down and struggling ....
..... no one is there
I try to think of who I could call ....
but the hole is too deep
and not one of my friends is looking into the hole

I have friends who live in their own holes .....
         ........they don't hear my cry.
I wish I could hear them ..... I'd sit with them
in their hole ..... cos I know what they are feeling.

So I ask you .... how do I find a friend
who will be there for me when I can't carry on
Someone who will hold my hand
....... and just be there for me

And how do I hear my friends?
.... when they cry out for help?

© Ian Croft June 2019

I saw you again

[.... you said "Forget me"]

I was on the media.... and up popped your name
... I did not search for you
..... the media is to blame

The memories stabbed me again.....
.... I cannot forget.
 

I know you said "no contact" but I cannot forget

It was as if I had seen you passing in the street
and it showed me that you are real

I cannot forget

If you do not block me I can watch from afar
because I don't know how to forget.....
I remember you....
I cannot forget 

© Ian Croft June 2019

Addiction

[..... oh no .... not me!]

It began small..... just a little bit I thought
I really needed it after such a long time without
I convinced myself that I could manage
..... that I wouldn't fall into that trap.

But that first taste was so... so good...
I had no idea just how badly I needed it
I drew the feeling into my soul
.... and my soul said YES!
      .... this is what I need
         .... give me more
       
The next time was different....
.... even better in a way
I gave more than I took
.... but the giving felt so good too
It felt better than I can say

To smash in that way is amazing
.... and I want more

Is this addiction?  We are constantly warned
against addiction.....
.... yet it seems so good
    ...... it seems so right

My soul is bathed in a rain of light
.... you are my drug
         and I am addicted

© Ian Croft June 2019

The forgotten victims

[... the pain of the victim]

When the Royal Commission delivered its findings
and the National Redress Scheme was established
the nation heaved a sigh of relief.....

"Those poor victims.... society is doing
something for them."   The nation felt good....
It's part was done. It's conscience cleared.

But few people gave a thought
to the role that the victim must play
in this whitewashing exercise....

Oh why.... why didn't they just leave us alone?

The victim must claim....
they must state in great detail
the nature of the injustices they endured
a lifetime ago.....
and this in itself is a ghastly experience.
To relive the abuses....
to stir up the emotional damage done...
Few people understand what that is like.

Oh why.... why didn't they just leave us alone?

To a certain extent the damage had been
covered with a thick scab....
Daily life could sometimes be ok....
.... but now the wound has been opened
and it's bleeding again....
Daily life is so much harder.....

Oh why.... why didn't they just leave us alone?

..... and then.... after all that prodding and poking
      .... stirring the pain....
they have the gall to prolong the decision process.
Taking months and months to decide an issue
that causes such pain to the victims.....
.... and to hide the process behind a cloak
of bureaucratic secrecy....

Oh why.... why didn't they just leave us alone?

© Ian Croft June 2019

You

[.... to you]

You are a gift to me....
.... a precious moment in time
I did not expect that in my life
I would be given such a gift

I thank you for every delightful second
that you give to me....
This time probably doesn't mean very much
to you.... your future stretches out before you
and these moments will one day
be just a pleasant memory

.... but for me, these moments mean so much
All my life I have dreamed of this gift
.... never expecting that it would come
.... but here you are
... and here I stand
in awe of what you give to me

So.... never doubt yourself
Never think that you are not important
You are my precious gift
..... and I love you so much. 

© Ian Croft June 2019

The storm

[.... foul weather]

Last night a storm came through
..... windy.... blowing..... with downpours of rain
.... and this morning a tree said "That's enough!
I quit!".....and it laid down...
right on the power line.

At four am I awoke to the noise....
.... and blackness! No lights.
No power....
I went exploring in the cold and the rain
..... nothing on the roof.... That's good.
Look at the road.... the power line on the ground!
.... Not good!

Oh dear.

No power means no lights.....
..... no hot water for a shower
.....no hot water for coffee
.... no power for computers
..... no power for the modem!
Yikes!
No communication!
No mobile.... no phone.... no email...
.... no internet....

What can we do?
Without connection to the world
I am lost!  Alone....

If I am so dependent on connecting to other people
my world has gone the wrong way .......

..... or has it?
Isn't this need for connection a healthy thing?

I hope so.   It's cold without the heater! 

© Ian Croft June 2019

The wall

[..... pondering communication issues]

There's a barrier there
I can't see it... but I can feel it

You.... delightful beautiful you....
you're on the other side
.... and I..... needing your touch so much
I'm on this side
How can I touch you?

If I try to climb the wall
it feels as though I'm climbing
into a cloud..... and I'm lost within
There's no sound in the cloud
.... no words of affection nor encouragement
I search within the cloud
but I finally give up.....

I try to go through that wall....
Yikes.... it's so solid
My head hurts..... my heart hurts
I try and try.....
but I finally give up.....

What if I go round the wall?
Is the wall an endless barrier?
Only time will tell.....
So I'll explore....
And seek to understand why
..... why the wall is there
.... how was the wall built?
..... does it serve any purpose
in the here and now?
or is it just a useless artifact
left in your life.....
A tool that once was valuable
when you were small and needing protection

But now you are grown!
You are strong!   You don't need the wall.
Maybe we can work together
to take it down...
brick by brick... stone by stone...

Till finally we can touch....
... without the wall. 

© Ian Croft June 2019

Crying inside

[...... what it feels like]

Life goes on....
.... the sun rises in the morning
and sets each evening
The birds still sing
.... and the dog still barks

.... but there's something missing

The day we met was a bright new dawn....
.... something burst into my heart....
A joy that I'd sought for many a year
.... a centre to my universe
My compass suddenly knew which way was north

And then the light went out....
.... the birds in the trees still sing their song
but my heart no longer sings with them

Will that song come to my heart again?
Will I ever see you again?
I can only keep a small candle burning
in the window of my heart
..... a small flame of hope

And maybe you'll see that light in the window
.... and you will know that I remember
.... But the heart that holds that candle
        .... is crying inside.

© Ian Croft June 2019

Only three weeks.....

[.... going back to where it began]

This morning it was three weeks since...
So I sat in the same place that we sat
..... the day we met...
and I  remembered the way you had looked.
You'd had a quirky sort of smile
and you glanced at me fleetingly....
Your smile reminded me of the Mona Lisa
so I know why my knees had trouble

I remember your voice....
.... as you spoke to me
your words were so right....
I think it slowly dawned on each of us
that this was not a casual meeting....
This was an important event for each.

Today I  walked into the car park
and looked at the ground where we had stood
.... where we held each other
It had felt so right.... the earth had held its breath
as we held so tight....

And then we both moved....
.... and our lips touched...
Such a gentle kiss....
yet so meaningful.

I remember every microsecond.....

© Ian Croft June 2019