Done for me?

[.... getting things right]

When I look back over the years

.....when I remember all the pain

.. the way that the past was torn from me

I think of those as the voiceless years

Unable to speak of what had been done

I retreated into silence.... 

..... and the silence retreated inside a shell

Nothing could hurt me if no one suspected

.... I was there but I wasn't 

No sound.... no telling anyone

of just what had been done. 

And so the silence grew.... 

.... and strengthened.... 

The walls of the shell thickened

....it became ever harder to speak

Then the healing began

and the walls began to crack and thin

Long years while I found my voice

and began to speak.... 

And then.... I found you!

I was astounded....

Your suffering made me 

put my own suffering 

into proportion..... 

You had suffered so much

...... and yet you had survived

.... and in your own way you had coped.

You were not catatonic..... you could speak

You told me just what had been done to you

Your example.... so painfully earned

.... is a shining proof that

 I... Can.... Do... It

Thankyou.... Thankyou.... Thankyou

© Ian Croft June 2019

Hidden

[..... don't be afraid]

You've hidden so much

of what you felt

Hidden them in the corners of your heart

You've refused to open up

.... to show me what you felt

Afraid that you'd be hurt again

I see your pain....

... let me in

into your heart again

Let me into your heart

So I can find what you've felt

..... let me into the corners of your heart

   ..... together we can feel

      ..... together we can be strong

     

Don't be afraid my love

.... your heart is my home

  .... you have the key to the door

 Unlock your heart and let me in.

© Ian Croft June 2019

Procrastination

[.... wait a while]

I'm alive because I procrastinate
Time after time....
..... moment by moment...
I find an excuse not to

There are strong temptations
.... raging feelings that would drag me down
... to take that step
..... gather the parts
..... that make the whole
all that I need to complete the task

To surrender.....
.... welcome the next step
.... the step that leads to who knows where
but it would be away from here

Away from here.....
... away from you?
No... not yet... wait a little longer
It can wait.....
Just procrastinate

.... and if I wait for a minute
then I can delay for an hour....
.... and if I can delay for an hour
then I know it can wait...
... do I rush to meet that fate?
Naaah... just procrastinate

© Ian Croft June 2019

Mystery lover

[...... advice to a future child]

Mystery lover.... I once had one...
He stole my heart but I told no-one
 

It was long ago...
... when I was young
and flowers bloomed
          inside my heart.

My daughter.... my child....
you share my heart
I speak to you now
.... your life's at the start
 

Don't be afraid of the pain love can bring
Roses are beautiful....
.... but their thorns are so sharp

When love comes knocking
at the door to your heart
.... don't be slow to let it in
 

Love's too precious to let waste away
The mystery lover might be here to stay

© Ian Croft June 2019

Holes

[.... we all have 'em]

Many of us have holes.....
Most of the time we manage
to maneuver around the hole
and live our daily life.

For most it's just one solitary hole
.... for others there are several holes
and sometimes the holes are linked....
... joined by a tunnel or even a trench

For these poor buggas,
it's hard to stay out of a hole!
If perchance they have a good time
walking on the surface....
happy for a moment...
.... then... sure as eggs the next step
will see them falling into the next hole.

For those of us with just one hole ....
the hole is often not too deep
.... and after the shock of being in the hole
the climb back out is not too hard

But if there are more holes
then we stumble into the next one!
..... and the really tough one .....
is when the holes are connected!

The poor bloke in the hole struggles
    .... and flails about ...
and usually finds the way
.... from the first hole into the next hole!

From down below the lonely bugga cries for help
.... but from above those cries grow more and more muffled
as the network of holes gets larger
     ......and it becomes so easy for people above
to ...just... not.... hear ... the cries from below

What to do? I don't know.....

© Ian Croft June 2019

Wots it all about?

[... the purpose?]

What's it all about?
Do we have a purpose?
Is there a reason that we exist?

If I don't connect with you
  ..... then I'm not sure that there is.
My purpose is to connect.....
I want to serve you
by being what you need.

If you need a listener,
then I am here......
If you need wise counsel,
then I'll try....
If you need touch,
then I will reach for you
to bridge that gap....
Skin to skin....
       Mind to mind....
               Soul to soul....
I will be whatever you need.....
     whatever you want.

I think that's what it's all about. 

© Ian Croft June 2019

If this moment.....

[..... at the end?]

If this moment is my last....
.... if all I have left is my past
...... then I am content
More than content....

I am exhilarated.

To have known you in my life
... to have shared the moments
.... the moments of joy
..... your happiness has been my happiness
your pleasure has been mine

I have known you....
.... touched your heart
and heard the small voice of your soul

.... I am content.

© Ian Croft June 2019

The light of day....

[..... oh no!]

Most times my imaginary world
is just as I desire it to be .....
my fantasy life  discards any pesky facts
that don't really work!
It becomes a peaceful pool
of pleasant feelings and emotions....

... but the wave of reality crashes
onto my blissful fantasy
Smashing illusions.....
washing away dreams....

Oh.... it hurts.... so much....
The illusions were so good
and the feeling seemed so real....
It leaves me in a pool of despair....
.... my heart cries "It's just not fair!"

The pleasant feelings are replaced by
the bitterness of knowing
that my fantasy is just that....
... a house of cards
.... collapsing.....
....in the slightest breath of normality

.... so sad

© Ian Croft June 2019

Bulldozer

[... selfish ... heartless people]

You forced your way into my space
I begged you not to...
You did not ask for permission
.... and after you had finished
you did not ask for my forgiveness.

You didn't consider my pain then...
and you don't realise now
just how you have hurt me....
you have stolen the future
that I dreamed of....
and now all I have is the burnt out husk
of a shattered dream.

Bulldozer.... you climbed over my hopes
and pushed those hopes into a pile of rubble
Your selfish wants were a blade
that scraped my self into a bleeding scrap heap

But piles of rubble can be turned into a wall....
I will not let you do that again
My life is my own behind that wall.
I will not let you hurt me again

The me that you dreamed of is gone
.... your thoughtless cruelty
has destroyed the person you thought you owned
I will not let you near me again

© Ian Croft June 2019

Too much?

[.... wots it all about?]

We know too much.....
and we love not enough.

Paralysis by analysis
.... our thoughts dissected
......... pains resurrected
so they can be vivisected
.... cut apart while we live
we open our souls
and seek to understand
just why we tick....

We know what makes us tick....
.... but why do we tick

Acceptance is huge .....
a wise soul said to me
....So let me accept.....
.... don't analyse.... just accept

The pain is there....
....  just accept
..... and with acceptance may come understanding
Understand where the pain has come from
so I can accept the why....

And in acceptance....
.... love can come
        and love will be enough. 

© Ian Croft June 2019

The fear

[.... it's a bad day]

Looking back .... the fear has been a constant companion
... a ghastly shadow that walked behind me
In the past it has always waited for sleep
before taking control of my thoughts
..... in waking times it has been a voice over my shoulder
constantly sniping .... and stabbing with vicious needles.

But now this demon has grown bolder .....
It has changed the form of its attack ....
It waits just behind my thoughts ...
.... the panic and fear is overwhelming
and it tells me that it is bigger than me...

I know that this huge ball of panic is more than I can survive
I will be lost .... I cannot cope .....

The friends who stand with me against this thing
remind me that the fear is not real!
The fear cannot hurt me ... I have faced this fear before
This fear is not real ..... it cannot pierce my skin
it cannot hurt me ....
It cannot hurt my mind unless I give it the weapon
It is not real ... I will not allow it to be real.

© Ian Croft June 2019

No logic here!

[..... don't sweat it!]

Love knows no logic....
.... it makes no decisions
It just is..... and it just acts

There's no rhyme nor reason
when the heart starts to move
..... before you realise what is happening
it's going full steam ahead.

Forget brains and intelligence
..... it just is....

.... so follow your heart....
...... or be left to wonder
Just where did I go wrong??

© Ian Croft June 2019

The heart makes its own rules....

[.... you might regret it!]

The heart is an unbridled beast
that rides rough shod over any
who would stand in its way.
The heart cannot be tamed....
it will never allow itself to be restrained
and controlled....

Fools who imagine.....
that they have that power
find that the heart can wreak havoc
upon the fools emotions
..... and upon their health.
Though they deny the heart its way
they will never find the happiness they seek. 

There is no limit to the price you will pay
if you deny the heart its desires.

But the heart is also a tender owner
who will reward the willing slave
with limitless riches.....
.... happiness beyond measure

So don't fight it....
..... when your heart commands your obedience
give in joyfully..... welcome the path
that you know you must follow. 

The heart makes its own rules....
... it will not follow the rules of another. 

© Ian Croft June 2019

Words cannot express....

[... about your mother]

Words cannot express a mother's love
for her child.....
... and the love between mother and daughter
can be a breathtaking emotion.

Many a dream of closeness has failed
to grow.... and the dream often turns
into bitterness and anger.
        So sad.....
       
There's so much shared feeling....
..... so much shared experience
     .... so much joy is possible 

How can that dream be nurtured?
.... to grow into the beautiful flower
that will give both of you peace and joy? 

Think on this Mother.....
..... think on this Daughter
Of course there will be a price to pay....
.... but think of the joy that you can give. 

Isn't it worth the price? 

© Ian Croft June 2019

If.....

[.... the battle with the black dog]

If I can last another hour....
I'll still be here.
If I can last through the day
then tomorrow will come

And if tomorrow comes and I'm still here
then who knows what the day will bring.
But for this moment?
Another distraction is all I need
.... a phone call.... or a message
that will occupy my mind
A contact from you? Yes please
... it would really put my thoughts at ease

I know you're busy.... it's hard to ask...
When you have your own life to lead
... a bloke like me
is the last thing you need

So I'll struggle on....
The things I do
.... have worked for many a year
As these moments go by
they will still work I guess....

.... but I'm not sure if I'm glad about that
.... or sad about that. 

© Ian Croft June 2019

How do I find a friend?

[..... for the bad times]

I look at the list of people I know in my FB page
and I'm struck by how few of these people
know me more than as a 'surface contact'
Many know of the battles I have faced .....
Many know of the struggles with the black dog.
A few know of the depths of those struggles
.... just how deep the struggles dive to.

I have told many of the 'winter of depression' feeling
...... to convey the feeling to those with no experience
and the story seems to get through to them.

But when I'm down and struggling ....
..... no one is there
I try to think of who I could call ....
but the hole is too deep
and not one of my friends is looking into the hole

I have friends who live in their own holes .....
         ........they don't hear my cry.
I wish I could hear them ..... I'd sit with them
in their hole ..... cos I know what they are feeling.

So I ask you .... how do I find a friend
who will be there for me when I can't carry on
Someone who will hold my hand
....... and just be there for me

And how do I hear my friends?
.... when they cry out for help?

© Ian Croft June 2019

I saw you again

[.... you said "Forget me"]

I was on the media.... and up popped your name
... I did not search for you
..... the media is to blame

The memories stabbed me again.....
.... I cannot forget.
 

I know you said "no contact" but I cannot forget

It was as if I had seen you passing in the street
and it showed me that you are real

I cannot forget

If you do not block me I can watch from afar
because I don't know how to forget.....
I remember you....
I cannot forget 

© Ian Croft June 2019

Addiction

[..... oh no .... not me!]

It began small..... just a little bit I thought
I really needed it after such a long time without
I convinced myself that I could manage
..... that I wouldn't fall into that trap.

But that first taste was so... so good...
I had no idea just how badly I needed it
I drew the feeling into my soul
.... and my soul said YES!
      .... this is what I need
         .... give me more
       
The next time was different....
.... even better in a way
I gave more than I took
.... but the giving felt so good too
It felt better than I can say

To smash in that way is amazing
.... and I want more

Is this addiction?  We are constantly warned
against addiction.....
.... yet it seems so good
    ...... it seems so right

My soul is bathed in a rain of light
.... you are my drug
         and I am addicted

© Ian Croft June 2019

The forgotten victims

[... the pain of the victim]

When the Royal Commission delivered its findings
and the National Redress Scheme was established
the nation heaved a sigh of relief.....

"Those poor victims.... society is doing
something for them."   The nation felt good....
It's part was done. It's conscience cleared.

But few people gave a thought
to the role that the victim must play
in this whitewashing exercise....

Oh why.... why didn't they just leave us alone?

The victim must claim....
they must state in great detail
the nature of the injustices they endured
a lifetime ago.....
and this in itself is a ghastly experience.
To relive the abuses....
to stir up the emotional damage done...
Few people understand what that is like.

Oh why.... why didn't they just leave us alone?

To a certain extent the damage had been
covered with a thick scab....
Daily life could sometimes be ok....
.... but now the wound has been opened
and it's bleeding again....
Daily life is so much harder.....

Oh why.... why didn't they just leave us alone?

..... and then.... after all that prodding and poking
      .... stirring the pain....
they have the gall to prolong the decision process.
Taking months and months to decide an issue
that causes such pain to the victims.....
.... and to hide the process behind a cloak
of bureaucratic secrecy....

Oh why.... why didn't they just leave us alone?

© Ian Croft June 2019

You

[.... to you]

You are a gift to me....
.... a precious moment in time
I did not expect that in my life
I would be given such a gift

I thank you for every delightful second
that you give to me....
This time probably doesn't mean very much
to you.... your future stretches out before you
and these moments will one day
be just a pleasant memory

.... but for me, these moments mean so much
All my life I have dreamed of this gift
.... never expecting that it would come
.... but here you are
... and here I stand
in awe of what you give to me

So.... never doubt yourself
Never think that you are not important
You are my precious gift
..... and I love you so much. 

© Ian Croft June 2019

The storm

[.... foul weather]

Last night a storm came through
..... windy.... blowing..... with downpours of rain
.... and this morning a tree said "That's enough!
I quit!".....and it laid down...
right on the power line.

At four am I awoke to the noise....
.... and blackness! No lights.
No power....
I went exploring in the cold and the rain
..... nothing on the roof.... That's good.
Look at the road.... the power line on the ground!
.... Not good!

Oh dear.

No power means no lights.....
..... no hot water for a shower
.....no hot water for coffee
.... no power for computers
..... no power for the modem!
Yikes!
No communication!
No mobile.... no phone.... no email...
.... no internet....

What can we do?
Without connection to the world
I am lost!  Alone....

If I am so dependent on connecting to other people
my world has gone the wrong way .......

..... or has it?
Isn't this need for connection a healthy thing?

I hope so.   It's cold without the heater! 

© Ian Croft June 2019

The wall

[..... pondering communication issues]

There's a barrier there
I can't see it... but I can feel it

You.... delightful beautiful you....
you're on the other side
.... and I..... needing your touch so much
I'm on this side
How can I touch you?

If I try to climb the wall
it feels as though I'm climbing
into a cloud..... and I'm lost within
There's no sound in the cloud
.... no words of affection nor encouragement
I search within the cloud
but I finally give up.....

I try to go through that wall....
Yikes.... it's so solid
My head hurts..... my heart hurts
I try and try.....
but I finally give up.....

What if I go round the wall?
Is the wall an endless barrier?
Only time will tell.....
So I'll explore....
And seek to understand why
..... why the wall is there
.... how was the wall built?
..... does it serve any purpose
in the here and now?
or is it just a useless artifact
left in your life.....
A tool that once was valuable
when you were small and needing protection

But now you are grown!
You are strong!   You don't need the wall.
Maybe we can work together
to take it down...
brick by brick... stone by stone...

Till finally we can touch....
... without the wall. 

© Ian Croft June 2019

Crying inside

[...... what it feels like]

Life goes on....
.... the sun rises in the morning
and sets each evening
The birds still sing
.... and the dog still barks

.... but there's something missing

The day we met was a bright new dawn....
.... something burst into my heart....
A joy that I'd sought for many a year
.... a centre to my universe
My compass suddenly knew which way was north

And then the light went out....
.... the birds in the trees still sing their song
but my heart no longer sings with them

Will that song come to my heart again?
Will I ever see you again?
I can only keep a small candle burning
in the window of my heart
..... a small flame of hope

And maybe you'll see that light in the window
.... and you will know that I remember
.... But the heart that holds that candle
        .... is crying inside.

© Ian Croft June 2019

Only three weeks.....

[.... going back to where it began]

This morning it was three weeks since...
So I sat in the same place that we sat
..... the day we met...
and I  remembered the way you had looked.
You'd had a quirky sort of smile
and you glanced at me fleetingly....
Your smile reminded me of the Mona Lisa
so I know why my knees had trouble

I remember your voice....
.... as you spoke to me
your words were so right....
I think it slowly dawned on each of us
that this was not a casual meeting....
This was an important event for each.

Today I  walked into the car park
and looked at the ground where we had stood
.... where we held each other
It had felt so right.... the earth had held its breath
as we held so tight....

And then we both moved....
.... and our lips touched...
Such a gentle kiss....
yet so meaningful.

I remember every microsecond.....

© Ian Croft June 2019

The long game

[.... what motivates me?]

I'm playing the long game
I'm a hopeless romantic
seeking a legacy of memory.

In ten... maybe twenty years
I will be gone....
.... just a memory I will be

What sort of memory do I want to be?

I want you to remember me
with fondness and love....
to remember the good times we had together
..... the dreams we shared
.... the times of tender touch

I want your memory of me
to be a constant companion through your life
..... a guide for your decisions
and a solace in the bad times

So that through your whole life
you can know.....
.... that you are worthwhile
.... that you have been loved
.... that you are loved 

© Ian Croft June 2019