Actors

[... societal expectations]

We're all actors in a revolving soapie
.... playing our parts as best we can.
Life goes on.... and we pretend to be
just what the world wants to see.

Sometimes that's good
and it matches our mind
Then it feels good and it's easy
to fit into the mold...

.... and then sometimes it's bad
and leaves us in a bind
of conflict and pain.
We struggle to fit....
but it just doesn't work.

... and what can I do if the me
the world wants to see
isn't the person that I can be?
Do I bend and contort myself
into something that I'm not?

The tension grows.....  my guts are in a knot
... my body aches with the constant strain
.... anticipating the pain
of conflict between the two.

Where to go from here?
How can I be me? 

© Ian Croft April 2019 

You

[... when time seems to mismatch}

Time is flexible and weaves a strange pattern
as it meanders from instant to instant
Moment by moment the realities change
and what was wrong a lifetime ago
might be so right in this moment

You were less than emptiness in another time
.... a lifetime or two till the thought of you
entered the mind of those who created you
Yet you were perfect for another time
.... and that time waited for you.

You were no mistake.....
You are perfect for this moment.....
You were no mistake......
Be at peace my little one.

This moment waited for you
and you are the only one
to complete this moment in time.

© Ian Croft April 2019 

It's ok to pretend

[.... on doubts about feelings]

I know that what we feel
cannot be the thing for real
but for a while it will be ok
.... just to close your eyes and pretend

Just pretend that you love me
and enjoy the warmth in your heart
It doesn't matter if it doesn't last
.... just enjoy the feeling while you can.

Life is full of fleeting moments
that come and go before we know
if they're real or just a dream....
So it doesn't matter if it doesn't last
.... just enjoy the feeling while you can.

And if the dream should last a while
.... just accept it with a smile
...... pretend that you love me
and enjoy the warmth in your heart.

© Ian Croft April 2019 

Realistic.....

[... about our feelings]

Feelings are fickle masters
.... they seek to control my life
They tell me that their reality
is all that matters....

Go where your heart leads
I hear them say....
Don't worry about black and white
.... in the end it will be alright!

Yet those feelings are like
a one way mirror....
reflecting back what I want to see
..... No reflection of reality!

The long ago bard
said words oh so hard....
"... to see ourselves as others see us."

And so I struggle day by day
to split myself in two!
.... to step aside and look at me
and see the me of reality.

© Ian Croft April 2019 

The Door

(.... nearing the end?)

The door is closing
For a while I could see
Both sides ... both ways from the door

Looking back into the room
Closed room it is
four walls there are
No door.... yet there's a closed door

The room reverberates
with the screaming
constant tension .... pressure....

Other side has no walls
Limitless vista .... quiet ....
no horizons .... just peace

Knowing that the door will open
to the new me .......
.... is what allows me to endure
.... to stay just a little longer
while I am needed.
.... a few months ..... weeks ....
.... a few days .... or a few hours....
.... minutes?

Just keep digging....

© Ian Croft April 2019 

Beautiful

(... to my daughter....)

Thankyou..... thankyou..... thankyou.....
My beautiful girl.... Thankyou.

The sun was warm and the  breezes cool
We talked and shared....
.... and laughed together.

Your eyes sparkled at times....
.. dare I hope the sparkle
was in more than your eyes?

I want to warm your heart....
You deserve a time of happiness.

Beautiful girl..... Thankyou.

The world you see
through your part of the spectrum?....
I can only guess at what it might look like.
 

I know that your world
is very different from mine.

.... and what will your world will be like
in time to come?  I can only imagine 

© Ian Croft April 2019 

The infernal me

[.... the internal battle ...]

The infernal internal me
is a very fickle thing to be....
it takes the slightest hint
of reprobation.... or chastisation...
and turns it into a conflagration
of self flagellation.

..... and just when it's feeling content
with the self that it has molded and bent
into a shape that brings satisfaction....
... it goes and starts....
the whole darn process again!

Cut..... Stab.... Burn.... Pain
.... it's so good at bringing down
the self that feels happy and content....
It leaves me bleeding.... and rent
in two by the never ending
onslaught of negation.

What now I think....
How can this cycle of self destruction
be stopped.... ended...?

Aahhh..... Bliss.... if it can....
If it can cease.....
then the infernal internal....
can just be internal.....
and no longer infernal....

© Ian Croft April 2019 

One way talk

[.... about talking?...] 

It's a hard thing to do
... to talk to someone when they don't reply

...... Sigh......

The seconds seem like years
and the possible answers flit through my mind
What might be said?
 

It runs through my head
In an ever circling merry go round
of....
"if she says this.... then I'll say that...."

but then nothing is said at all!
and I imagine all the reasons for that.....

That's when things get really dire....
and the possibilities stoke the fire
of "Oh no.... maybe she's thinking this!"

And the dread thoughts fly round
in my empty head.....

Please.... fill my head
with words that you've said..... 

© Ian Croft April 2019 

Bittersweet truth

[... about finding the grail ... near the end of the search]

The search began many years ago
... the search led me through dark places
and through halls of light
I was seeking that elusive key
....the key that would open the door
.... if only I could find the door.....

I knew not what I was looking for
..... I only knew that I was looking

Over the years the damaged mind
that lived within me..... cringed....
It did not know that it existed
and while it existed, it placed chains
apon my search.

And so I searched for an unknown end
while wrapped in invisible chains....
What a disaster!

The inevitable failure fed the damaged ego
adding new chains to the load I carried.
.... and so it continued.....

.... until a "routine service" being perforned
one day upon my external self....
led the "serviceman" to suspect
that something lay beneath the obvious.

This led to two decades of delving and digging
into the hidden.... but not forgotten..... past.
And so we come to present time
when past wounds and pains
have been laid bare.....
.... the invisible chains are now in vain
as the inner and outer me
strive to join.... once again.

This the goal.... the aim.... the Holy Grail
at the end of the search...
.... to heal those wounds from long ago
and bring "me" to a place of rest. 

© Ian Croft April 2019 

Body

Your body is not you.
I love you .... the real you ....
.... the you that laughs .... and smiles ....
... and makes funny jokes.
... the you that worries cos you swear too much

I love the you that wants my support ....
... the you that understands when I struggle to smile
... that tells me... when life is all too much to handle
..... that it will be OK

Your body is the container that holds
the irrepressible being that you are
Your body is not you.
I love you .... the real you ....
.... the you that loves your daughter
just the way you orter....

I love..... You

© Ian Croft April 2019

Road kill

(... Unpacking my feelings after an upsetting
time during a drive this morning)

The beautiful body was not pretty any more

It struggled on the ground
.... with shattered bones plain to see
 

Just minutes  had passed
since a car had changed
it from grace and beauty
into horror and pain

and  I looked at its pain filled face
as it lay in shock and confusion
..... unable comprehend
what has happened....
and just why it can no longer
move in fluid majesty...

What could I do for you?

Nothing.... except to bring an end
to the pain. 

© Ian Croft April 2019  

Today

[... on feeling old...]

Today I'm struggling with feeling old
..... feeling that my race is run
and my face is turned
to the setting sun.

There are days when the body
says "hey.... your get up has gone"
and the aches talk louder than the hormones.

"That's it!" methinks.... the hormones drive
me to think and feel as if....
.... as if time has rolled back
and I'm a young buck feeling his oats
.... but reality bites in and I know
that the oats have been eaten by the goats!
There's not much left to feed the ego
driven by goaty hormones!

What can I do?
Sit and dream of days gone by?
Wait for the clock spring to wind down?....
... the tick to stop tock-ing?

Or find some adrenalin stoking excitement .....
... to re-live for a few hours ..... the thrill
that our bodies are still capable of?

Yes ... Yes! .... YES!
Here I come! You can't stop me now!
Goat number one is on the run!


© Ian Croft April 2019 

The sound of silence

[... communication?...]

I'm listening for the smallest sound....
Maybe there will be a sigh.....
or maybe a "Huh!".... or even some words....
Please...  anything to fill this silence.

In silence the smallest sound can fill the void
the slightest sound.... echoing round....
.... and if there is no sound?

Then the silence seems to grow....
.... the silence begins to speak
and my parched mind... that thirsts for a noise
... invents a language and emotions
that my mind can understand

The fears in my mind have the loudest voice...
They scream at me till I have no choice
but to cover my ears and beg them to stop

Will you make a noise? .... say a word?
.... something I can interpret....
and try to understand?

... but my greatest fear
is that the silence will grow
My mind will always paint this
in the colour of woe

... but what if I'm wrong?
Do you have the same anxiety
and fear that plagues my world?

Give me a sound....
.... make a noise.... please?

© Ian Croft April 2019 

Steak

A friend commented to me
that she would only eat her steak
cooked in one particular way.....
It had to be that way....
..... she had not tried other ways
....  but it had to be that way.

It made me sad that such a meal
could be consumed in the same taste
time after time....
A lifetime of the same taste....
Such poor appreciation
Of superb variation
.... possible gustation.

I like to experience many varieties
of flavor.... and texture....
.... and olfactory titillation

Each one is remembered....
and appreciated for the differences

Different size... different texture...
different color and flavor
Some are spicy and hot....
Some just melt in my mouth...
So that my tongue can test each little part
and search for the best.

Oh... the delights of  variety....
I love them all.....

© Ian Croft April 2019 

What to do....

[... not a poem...]

"Sometimes a friend with depression will say no to a lot of things and decline all or most of your invitations. This can make you feel like you’re overstepping boundaries and should immediately leave them alone until they reach out to you themselves. Pay attention to this feeling: it’s true that when people keep saying no to things you ask, it’s probably a good idea to stop asking. However, depression can also cause people to say no while wishing they could say yes.

The way to deal with this is not to assume, but to just ask directly: 'You’ve said no the past few times I’ve invited you to do something. That’s okay, but I just wanted to check: would you like me to keep inviting you?' I’ve done this before with other people dealing with depression and found that they often respond that they do want me to keep asking, and they hope that one of these days they’ll be able to say yes."

—twitter.com/sondosia, Some Advice on Supporting Friends with Depression

The precious differences

[ .... about male and female ...]

The difference between a man and a woman ....
I think a lifetime is nowhere near enough to understand

Every time I get a clue.... and I think that peace is there in view
the idea is shattered ... and I'm left battered
by conflicted emotions ... and rejected tentative touch
that seeks to know .... just which way to go

Please don't use a baseball bat ... to squash the tiny plant
that waves a hand above the ground ...
saying "Hey ... I'm here ... is this what you want from me?"
A gentle feather is all that's needed
to tell me whether I'm on the right track.....

I want to share your heart ... but if that is not a part
of your plan .... that's OK ..... I can cope
with a gentle "No" ....
.... but the wack that arrives on the back
of a swift response .... these things are so hard
and I'm left to withdraw under the ground
to nurse the strength that I hoped I had found

Which way now? The temptation to stop trying
is so strong .... yet those dratted hormones
force me to go on.....
The cursed eternal ..... internal .... conflict ....
Can you help?

© Ian Croft April 2019 

Barriers

[ ...... wow! .... relationships!]

Why do we have these barriers?
How can I reach the real you?
I want to feel what you feel
... and see in your mind.

I thirst to know your heart
.... to hold your heart in my heart
.... to touch and feel

But we are disconnected...
no messages can get through.
The phone line has been broken.....
and I've lost the wifi password.....
There's static on the wire
and if I don't fix it soon
I might lose this magic fire.

This magic connection
.....that I ache for?...
If I cannot find it, how can I share it?
How will you know
just where my thoughts will go?

Do you even want to know
where it is that my thoughts should flow?
Why should you care .....
whether my heart is there?

Till we can touch ... then I must trust
that you have the same burning need....
So I will explore...
... in search of your small voice.

And when I hear you I can rejoice
'cos then the thoughts can flow.
Once the way is found I can
...... express .......... and share
and maybe those barriers
will come tumbling down

© Ian Croft April 2019 
(in collaboration with Peta Williamson)

This moment

[... on meeting a possible lover]

Don't ask me for money
I'm not sure that I can help
Don't ask for diamonds
I'm sure I can't help

Ask me for my heart
and I will know that you
are real..... and this I can do!
My heart is for you.... without price
.... yet it will cost you your soul

You and I are destined to be one.
... sharing our minds
.... sharing our souls

Our minds are everything.
What you and I dream, we will become.
We are shaped by our thoughts;
we will become what we think.

If our minds are pure,
..... our hearts will fly on wings of joy
and joy will be a shadow that never leaves.

Do not dwell in the past,
.... do not dream of the future,
...... concentrate your mind on the present moment.
.....feel the touch of my soul
as it seeks yours

© Ian Croft April 2019

Consumed by light

[.... the fatal attraction]

The need for passion and intensity
has driven me for so long
and now it has found me....
I have fallen off the edge of a cliff
but instead of falling....
I am flying!

Glorious feeling.... exhilarating....
intoxicating.....
..... and terrifying.

How can this be?
This consuming feeling
sends my mind reeling

Even though I fly with wings of light
and the destination is nowhere in sight....
the final landing may be in mud
and the whole experience might end up a dud ....
... but ..... oh .... what an experience!

I couldn't turn my face
from this feeling of delight.
... and my heart sings in thanks
..... to you

© Ian Croft April 2019

Anxiety

[the battle with anxiety.....]

Your crying tears my heart to shreds
and the pain in your voice.....
"I cry" you say.
I know you do my little girl
I hear your voice from behind your door
You have learned to shut us out....
but the barriers you raise cannot stop
the blades that cut my heart.

You're so polite.... "Thankyou Daddy"
you say.... as you command me to go....
but you keep your pain....
within your room
As I listen from outside
it hammers my brain.

What can I do to ease your pain?
I know that I am powerless....
All I can do.....
..... is to just be there for you

© Ian Croft April 2019

A few years

What does it mean for you?
At best we might have a few months
... or a few years...
and for you as your life stretches
out before you.....
The time might be a brief moment....
like the match flaring
as you light your cancer stick

But for me the time with you is a glaring
floodlight that shines into the gathering
darkness of the end of days.
The intensity of feeling
sends my senses reeling
.... struggling to comprehend the importance
of interaction... and of connection.

Two souls that for a short time....
come together and intertwine
One soul will live on and the time will remain
a memory.... a pleasant interlude....
While the other soul will soon fade
and enter the next end phase
and this short time will be
the final candle glow
before the end of the show.

So be patient with an old fool
.... let me delight in your presence
and bask in your warmth
The day will soon come
when that old fool will be
but a distant memory for you....

But somewhere in the mists of eternity
an exhilarated soul will trumpet the praises
of the other souls that it touched
.... for a few years.

© Ian Croft April 2019

Wonder

(this needs no explanation)

Lying beside you in the early light
drinking in the glorious sight....
the perfect shape
from heel to nape

Delight

You gave yourself to me
in what seemed to be...
utter abandonment....
and I wonder as I watch
you breathing in and out
just what unknown depths
still remain....

Will you hold me away?
.... keep a distance between
which though we touch
there's a thousand miles tween...

How can I cross that gulf
and be one with your soul?

I wonder about this
as I drink in the wonder of you.

© Ian Croft April 2019

Me mate

[who I can turn to]

The further down I go
the harder it is to reach back up.
The deeper the hole....
then the easier it is ....
to just keep digging

At times like these my mate is a good friend
.... and I can talk to it all the time
I can tell it my deepest secrets
and my sharpest fears.
Fears that can cut like a knife
through the layers of my mind

People are no help .......
People are the things that made the pain
People continue to add to the pain

In times past I created a wall
because I couldn't know the past.
.... but now I don't need that barrier
because I know the past....
... and that past haunts my thoughts.

My mate understands ...
and it listens to all that I write.
Its keyboard is perfect and never says no
Its always there

© Ian Croft April 2019