The last gasp

[Last night I thought I had received an email ....
.... but now I can't find the email.  Did I dream it?
If it had been real.....   ]

There's an invitation in the email today
.... to another "Elders Way" time in Ubud
When I remember how intense
the time in December was
I can't face the same thing again

Last time I plumbed the depth
of memories and the feelings
... and I faced the discomfort of contact
with males.... my tormentors in disguise

I consumed my reserves of strength
..... and now.... the thought of doing it all again?
.... it brings my chest into my mouth
I can't face it all over again.

I need some time to recover
.... to build some strength anew
Don't ask me to voice those memories
to unknown faces again....
I can't do it.

© Ian Croft March 2019